you never forget the feeling of being kicked in the chest
and losing all of the oxygen in your body

a few things i've learned in 2012

Tomorrow is the last day of the year. 2012 has been good to me, for the most part but as always, there were some lessons to be learned. Here are a few things I've learned this year: 1. You have control over who you spend your time on. Get rid of the toxic people in your life and watch how quickly your life improves. Surround yourself with people who make you want to be a better person, people who inspire you, people who support you and make you laugh, people who will be there for you at your best and worst times with no judgments. These people are worth your time. 2. It's okay to be alone. You don't always need someone/something to distract you. These moments spent in solitude have proved to be very beneficial to me this year. 3. Try new things. Always try new things. Change is a good thing, and change can only be achieved by stepping out of the box (the box is sometimes disguised as your "comfort zone"). 4. Nine out of ten times, a great night is worth the terrible morning that follows. 5. To follow up #4, the best hangover cures this year have been sushi, sleep, orange juice and coffee. 6."Don't overlook lifes' small joys while searching for the big ones." -H. Jackson Brown Jr. It's so easy to get caught up in all of the hustle and stress of todays' world that sometimes we need to slow ourselves down and soak up some of the beauty that surrounds us. A few things that come to my mind are sunsets, blossoming trees and sleepy smiles. While you walk, look around you. Look up! When you spend all of your time looking down at your feet, you're missing the world around you. The main lesson I've learned is that we must live each day. Take the time to really taste your food as you eat it, start your day off with a deep breath of serenity, let your body really sink into your mattress as you end your day, let negativity go and make room for more positive things in your life, focus on what's truly important and be yourself.

it's funny how when the rain falls,
you can almost smell your fathers' old leather jacket
and burning wood
sometimes you can even feel the scratch of the old mexican blankets
rubbing on your skin.

nana

"we'll spread her ashes into the open sea and she'll become part of our universe. when the rain starts falling and a raindrop falls on your cheek, consider it a kiss from your grandmother", said the grandfather to his youngest grandchild. her rounded eyes matched his, wet and in disbelief. the first time you experience death, it knocks you completely off your feet and suspends you mid-air for a brief moment, you float, numb until gravity slams you down, taking the breath right out of your lungs. and then the pain. the pain that lingers and comes in waves of "i'm okay, yeah i'm alright" and "how will i ever get through this" and the "OH GOD WHY"s and you think that maybe the pain will never stop tearing you apart but it does. your body removes all of your broken and sad parts and replaces them with something much harder and difficult to penetrate so that nothing can ever hurt you like that again and here i sit, hardened from past heartbreaks next to the soft and innocent, newly shattered, girl who's grandmother is dying and she is seeing her world crash down around her little feet. death never gets easier to understand. you're always left with the questions of, "why them?" and "why now?" that no one is really able to answer but there is nothing as heart-wrenching as a fathers cry for his mother or the cry of a husband losing his wife. this day that you never thought would come has come and with it, it takes a life, as well as many shaky hands and wet faces. you cannot console the inconsolable.

unfinished thoughts.

by the time you've realized how deep the water is, you're already drowning. the sudden silence you hear as the world slows is deafening and there's nothing you can do but to cover your ears, close your eyes and pretend that everything is okay that the future is set and that life is fair but you know that it's not. the old man hobbling next to you can attest to that. how broken people become when they open their eyes to what the world really is. and you start to really miss the days when you had nothing to worry about besides, "mom, what's for dinner?" the days when you saw things as they should be, not how they really are. the days when the people you loved were heroes, not flawed humans. the days when everything seemed right. life can be such an amazing and terrible thing.

don't tell me that you love me.

show me that you love me.

when did i become a coffee over tea kind of girl?

the walk slow, look up, look down and observe kind of girl?

the kind of girl who sings on the sidewalk

poorly, perhaps, but still singing

as if she had the kind of voice you'd want to play loudly on your radio

because appearances aren't everything, no. not even close.

my feet, arched high appear graceful

but really, they thud and stomp through the day,

just a little unattractive in the most attractive way

and my skin, pulled tight over my bones,

is pallid and soft

as if the sun never did shine

in this town, or any town for that matter.

my lips are cracked and they bleed these words

and my small hands try to catch them before they drip

and stain

this pressure makes the bleeding worse

and still, these words remain.