"you are everything i want because you are everything i'm not."

i'm nineteen, right? please tell me that i'm still nineteen. i mean, my nineteenth birthday was just at the end of last month.
i heard the thoughts in my mind this morning and they weren't the thoughts of a nineteen year old.
i looked at the pleated black dress and low heels in my closet and they don't look like the clothes of a nineteen year old.
i looked at the pile of bills and dmv paperwork stacked on top of my microwave and it didn't seem like that pile should belong to a nineteen year old.

my mom says that she's proud of me. she thinks that it's a good thing that i'm living in my own apartment, buying my own groceries and paying my own bills. she thinks i'm more responsible than my peers.

i guess you could say that. i have a ton of responsibility. but one thing that many of my peers have that i don't is freedom. i chose this for myself though. i wanted this! and you know what, i have no regrets. moving into my apartment with michael two weeks before graduation was one of the best decisions i've ever made! it's great! really. because if it wasn't great, i wouldn't still be living here. i would have crawled back to my mom's house. but i didn't. i am an adult. and i can come and go as i please.

but here's the catch - i don't come and go as i please. and i should. i need to. i will start.

i won't let this summer pass by me. it's time to live. as always, the time is now.
being an adult can wait.

hey wednesday!

YOU SUCK.

you're even worse than mondays.

another long day

the days keep getting longer. i wake up earlier, i stay up later. and all through out, i rest only momentarily.

going.
going.
going.


not gone. yet.

"youth is wasted on the young."

well, i guess. but when i compare myself to other people my age, it seems like they're doing a fine job of being young. it's just that, i'm not. youth is wasted on me. i'm so busy all of the time and so much is happening around me and there are so many people to please. so many things. at some point in your life, you must learn the value of a dollar. and that's a hard lesson to learn. it goes like this...you get your paycheck. go grocery shopping. get gas. pay bills. sudden realization that, "oh shit! i just got my paycheck yesterday and i'm already broke again." you gotta find a way though. unless you want to just kick it out on the street and stuff.

i'm going to work again todaaay. and then after, aunt michelle and uncle shaun's house to work on michael's resume some. and then after that, the gym. and then after that, sleeping. wake up. repeat!

repetition! repetition!

spontaneity is what i prefer. spontaneity is what i crave.


and here i sit, cozy in my jammies on a beautiful morning in a warm, clean house.
and there my work clothes sit, folded neatly into squares, shirt stacked on top of pants, jewelry lying on top of shirt.
i wish i could put those clothes back in the drawers they belong in, and put myself back in the bed i belong in.



it's just another long day.

rescue boats

sometimes i feel like i'm stuck in the middle of the ocean and i don't know how to swim.
the waves continuously crash over me and push me deeper down. so deep that i can't see anything. so deep that my head feels like it might explode from all the pressure.
and sometimes, i remember how to swim and i swim as fast as i can to the surface and try to find the shore. it's usually pretty hard to find, but every once in a while, i can see some land. and so i swim towards the land. sometimes i get close.


but it never fails.
the waves always come back.
and i always sink back under.


whatever happened to rescue boats?

t minus 3 days

until we leave for disneyland.

michael and i house-sit for uncle shaun and aunt michelle this weekend. i always like house-sitting for people...it's fun to live in someone elses' house for a few days. then when you go back to your own house, you appreciate it a little bit more.


i wish catherine lived in the bay area. we went to berkeley together the other day and it was great. nothing like walking amongst the certifiably insane and hardcore homeless with your best friend.

oh, and kurby went to a psychic yesterday & the psychic told her that i am a good friend to keep around and that she shouldn't let me go. maybe all psychics aren't full of BS. she also told kurby that she is going to die when she's 98, she needs work to her full potential in school and she should do yoga. i wouldn't want to know when i'm going to die. if i were kurby, i'd have one kick ass birthday party when i turn 98. i'd go out in style :D

also, i want to write a formal essay. is that strange? i think it is. i need a good topic to write on! i don't think anyone reads my blogs anymore...but, dearest stranger, if you happen to be reading this...leave me a comment with an essay topic? ha....awkward. :D

excitement!

i get to go to disneyland for my birthday! it's an (almost) all expenses paid trip, courtesy of my mom & her boyfriend ron. all i have to pay for is my food and spending money, BUT my aunt michelle and uncle shaun are having michael and i house sit the weekend right before we go, so that'll be some good money in my pocket that i can spend at disneyland. :) we're going to eat mostly junky/cheap food outside of the park in order to save money, BUT i really want to eat at this restaurant in the park on my actual birthday. i think the restaurant is called the "blue bayou" and it's located right next to the pirates of the caribbean ride & when you're at your table, you can see the people riding by in their little ships on the ride. plus, it's supposed to be some really delicious cajun food, so i'm down!

we have three day park hopper passes. and we're staying at a nice hotel that isn't owned by disney, but it's apparently just about a twenty minute walk away from the disneyland park, so it's all good! i'm excited about the trip, so i'm trying to stay really busy in the mean time. the busier i am, the faster the time will fly and i won't be so focused on the trip. so i'm trying to get some more babysitting jobs and hang out with friends on the weekends. like, on weekend (probably the 18th), i'm planning on going to san francisco with catherine! i think that'd be really fun. maybe we could grab some lunch out there...and watch some sea lions and crazy homeless people too. i really enjoy hanging out with catherine. she's one of my only friends who i am completely comfortable with. we can let loose and have a great time without judging one another. it's great. she's my best friend for a very good reason.

i guess that's all for now. over aaaaand out :)

wtf, easter?

easter sucked this year. well, the first half of it did anyway.
my mom's boyfriend was being a douche and i called him out on it. his daughter told me i'm not allowed to speak to her father again and then both of his kids deleted me off of facebook. i guess i won't be going to their house for thanksgiving dinner! ;)

oh, and i went to my nana's house too. that was a rich slice of awful. there were a ton of people there.mostly relatives from my aunt caroline’s side of the family – her kids and such. we were originally going to eat outside but it was freezing cold and about to rain, so everyone ate inside instead. Michael and I mostly just sat on the couch with my aunt michelle. we didn’t know too many people there. and then my nana started passing out everyone’s easter baskets. these baskets were big and pretty and full of eggs, candies and wrapped presents. I didn’t get one. neither did Michael. but know what’s funny? there was this one guy there and my nana didn’t even know his name…HE got a basket full of presents. it’s like, “oh hey, yeah…I’m your grandchild. this guy sitting next to me isn’t some random black guy I picked up off the sidewalk on my way here…I’ve been going out with him for over four years now. oh, but no matter – please continue to act as if we don’t exist. we’ll just be here, on your couch.” so that was awkward. and then the easter egg hunt! it’s really hard to get a lot of eggs in your basket when your basket doesn’t exist. so collectively, Michael and I got 9 eggs. every plastic egg has a dollar in it. so we walked out with 9 dollars, while mostly every adult and 12 year old child walked out with at least 20 dollars. it’s funny how the broker you are, the less people give a shit. but it’s all good – my aunt michelle felt terrible for us and donated 6 eggs hahaha. but really, easter isn’t about money or baskets or thoughtful gifts. it’s about jesus being a zombie and coming out of his tomb and what not. families come together to be with each other…not collect material items. that being said, I ended the day on a really nice note…by going to Michael’s grandma’s house. his whole family was there and it was really great. we watched the blind side and ate delicious food and talked and laughed. there were no easter baskets or eggs. the only time money came into play was when everyone donated a few dollars so that we could buy a cake for dessert – and that cake was sooo good. I’m really comfortable around michael’s family. it’s a shame that I can’t be that comfortable with my own family. but my family is different. you can’t relax at anyone’s house, aside from my uncle and aunt’s. people are fake. it kills me that 95% of people in my family act as though Michael doesn’t exist…or act like he’s just another boy in my life, as if I’m always bringing home another or something. if I treated anyone else’s husband or wife like how they treat Michael, I’d be called rude and I’d get in trouble. but I digress. my point is this – although this easter was probably the worst in my life, it was also one of the best. it was one of the best because this easter, I realized that when people treat you like you don’t exist, or like you don’t matter, you don’t owe them anything. next easter, I won’t be going to my nana’s house.

childhood is over-rated. when you’re an adult, you don’t have to put up with bullshit. you have the power to walk away.