sand castles

sand scrapes our knees
and hides under our nails.
we dig deep into the earth,
no shovel. no pail.
just our skin, left to our own devices.
the sun beats down,
turning my pale skin pink.
turning your skin a beautiful red-brown.
deeper.
deeper.
deeper.
and the water rushes in to flood the hole we've made.
we're battling with the earth,
and what's the use?
as soon as we step off of the sand and onto the pavement,
the ocean will wash away the castles we've made,
and fill in the holes that we've dug.

we know this.
and we keep digging.
and we pile sand on top of sand
and shape those piles into tall castles surrounded by moats.
and it's perfect!
it's magnificent!
for a moment, we are both five years old and we don't care how dirty and wet we've become.
for a moment, we have nothing on our minds but the pretty waves that fill our moats
and the lovely wet sand castles that harden in the sun.

and when it's time to leave, and we walk away from the setting sun,
we turn around and see
the small children stomping all over our creation
and we
laugh.

so apparently a spider was chilling on my leg at some point yesterday and decided to brutally attack me? i have five different spider bites on my left knee. and they all hurt really bad. and they all itch...really bad. and i want to go home (again, really bad).

i'm looking forward to next tuesday! gene (a lawyer i work with) is going to sing me a song! yaaaay i'll put it on youtube hahaha

i try my best. i get out of bed every morning and let the light into my bedroom. i get ready for work, and then i bike or walk there. i work. work. work. work. work. and then i get to go home. and sometimes, i come home and collapse on the bed for a while. sometimes i come home and eat right away. sometimes i clean. sometimes i go to the gym. it all depends. and now it's the summer time and it's beautiful outside. today at work, i spent about five minutes just looking out the second story window. looking at the small and boring streets of alameda. but the streets really aren't so boring. they're full of all sorts of people. people from all over the bay area and all over california and all over the world. and to me, they don't even have a name...just a face. but to someone else, they are everything. to me, the girl with the brown hair waiting for the bus is just that...just a girl. but to someone else, maybe she is the reason for their existence. and the streets are full of people like that. and i don't know most of them.

oh jeez, look at me rambling. what did i just say anyway?



i'm going to michael's show tonight. a contorted smile is playing at roosters roadhouse for the millionth time. :]

i feel guilty. so so so guilty.

and nervous.

and nerves. nerves can kill. they seep into your bloodstream and cut the life out of every single organ in your body.

i mean, i'm doing nothing wrong. it's just... well, it's just bad timing. and it's out of my hands. but still, i feel like shit about it. and i want to put it off, but at the same time i just want to get it over with.

i have to do this.
i can do this.

holy shit.

"you are everything i want because you are everything i'm not."

i'm nineteen, right? please tell me that i'm still nineteen. i mean, my nineteenth birthday was just at the end of last month.
i heard the thoughts in my mind this morning and they weren't the thoughts of a nineteen year old.
i looked at the pleated black dress and low heels in my closet and they don't look like the clothes of a nineteen year old.
i looked at the pile of bills and dmv paperwork stacked on top of my microwave and it didn't seem like that pile should belong to a nineteen year old.

my mom says that she's proud of me. she thinks that it's a good thing that i'm living in my own apartment, buying my own groceries and paying my own bills. she thinks i'm more responsible than my peers.

i guess you could say that. i have a ton of responsibility. but one thing that many of my peers have that i don't is freedom. i chose this for myself though. i wanted this! and you know what, i have no regrets. moving into my apartment with michael two weeks before graduation was one of the best decisions i've ever made! it's great! really. because if it wasn't great, i wouldn't still be living here. i would have crawled back to my mom's house. but i didn't. i am an adult. and i can come and go as i please.

but here's the catch - i don't come and go as i please. and i should. i need to. i will start.

i won't let this summer pass by me. it's time to live. as always, the time is now.
being an adult can wait.

hey wednesday!

YOU SUCK.

you're even worse than mondays.

another long day

the days keep getting longer. i wake up earlier, i stay up later. and all through out, i rest only momentarily.

going.
going.
going.


not gone. yet.

"youth is wasted on the young."

well, i guess. but when i compare myself to other people my age, it seems like they're doing a fine job of being young. it's just that, i'm not. youth is wasted on me. i'm so busy all of the time and so much is happening around me and there are so many people to please. so many things. at some point in your life, you must learn the value of a dollar. and that's a hard lesson to learn. it goes like this...you get your paycheck. go grocery shopping. get gas. pay bills. sudden realization that, "oh shit! i just got my paycheck yesterday and i'm already broke again." you gotta find a way though. unless you want to just kick it out on the street and stuff.

i'm going to work again todaaay. and then after, aunt michelle and uncle shaun's house to work on michael's resume some. and then after that, the gym. and then after that, sleeping. wake up. repeat!

repetition! repetition!

spontaneity is what i prefer. spontaneity is what i crave.


and here i sit, cozy in my jammies on a beautiful morning in a warm, clean house.
and there my work clothes sit, folded neatly into squares, shirt stacked on top of pants, jewelry lying on top of shirt.
i wish i could put those clothes back in the drawers they belong in, and put myself back in the bed i belong in.



it's just another long day.