raaaaant!

i run from things. and that's really really bad. and it's not even intentional most of the time. i just do it without realizing...

i get a bill in the mail. i check my bank balance - i'm broke..still. no surprise there. i say to myself, "okay, i'll pay this as soon as i get my paycheck!" and i put the bill in a safe place. and i forget about it until almost the last minute...but i could have taken care of it so much sooner.

it's just that it is so so so SO hard to pay bills sometimes. most times. well, let's be real...all the time. i get my paycheck and then i spend most of it on groceries. about thirty dollars of it on gas. then i pay for my cell phone, internet and gym membership. and then i'll have about ten or fifteen dollars to last me until my next paycheck. thankfully, with my new job, i'll be getting more hours. more money. but unfortunately, i'll be spending that money on another (much bigger) bill : my rent.

i work my ass off, you know. i wake up at 5:45 in the morning to go to work and i don't get to relax until 5:00 in the evening. i work so hard to pay bills. i have no extra money to get a new pair of jeans (or even a new pair of work pants). i have no extra money to buy some nice smelling perfume (even though i've been wanting a nice bottle for the longest time). i have no extra money to do fun things, have fun things, go fun places...nothing. i wake up. i go to work. i come home. i eat dinner. i go on the computer/watch a movie. i go to sleep. and then i babysit on the weekends to get extra cash. i am nineteen years old. i bet you can't tell me the names of other people my age who work as hard as i do. i can count the number of people i know who do on one hand & four of those fingers would have no purpose.

i feel like the only one.

BUT! don't get it completely twisted. i enjoy going to work most days - i have a fantastic job that i love. i enjoy having freedom & being able to call myself an adult. i enjoy the feeling of depositing my paychecks - it's the best feeling! and i am incredibly grateful for everything that i have - responsibilities included. because i asked for this. i begged and argued for this. because i could have lived with one of my parents for free. because i didn't have to apply myself and push myself. i am proud of everything that i've accomplished. i can honestly say that i am an adult. i am no longer financially supported by my parents (although they do help me sometimes). i have no curfew. i live with my boyfriend. if i want to eat ice cream for dinner, i do it. and i deserve it. i really really do.

i just need to work on a few areas in my personal life:

*stop running away from things that are intimidating/inconvenient.
*go out and have fun! be nineteen! act nineteen!
*write more...i've become so rusty.

hero

who is my hero? i have a few.
my family, of course
but that, you already knew.
my friends, yes
they are always perfect, and never anything less.
i have strong people in my life.
successful people.
happy people.
old people.
young people.
all of them are heroes to me, in some form.
the soldiers, police men and firemen, everyone dressed in uniforms.
and then,

there's me.
i am my own hero,
and that's how it has to be.
the world gets cold sometimes, you know
and people aren't always there.
sometimes people stab knives into your spine, you see
and sometimes they break your heart.
and when they do, i can always count on me
i can pick myself up, brush myself off and restart.

i am my own hero. and i am proud of myself.

SV

my friend,
i know that you feel helpless, lost and alone in the world. i know that every day is a struggle for you. i know that you want to be better. you want everything to be better. i know that you are in a very dark place right now and you have been for quite a while. i'd like to shine some light on a few things for you.

we don't talk as often as we used to. at one point, i considered you to be one of my best friends. we went in different directions a while back and although we still talk and we're still friendly, it's not the same. the distance is there and it's a little bit awkward. but please know that i have not given up on you or our friendship. things have just changed, and things can always get better.things will get better, i promise.

i don't know about everything in your personal life. i actually know very little. and from the little that i know, i can see that you're not in a great place. i'd like to help you, but i'm not sure how to. i hope that you read this.

you don't need drugs. please stop using them. they aren't doing anything good for you - they are doing exactly the opposite. the drugs turn you into a different person. they turn you into a person who is quiet and moody. they steal your fantastic personality and make you lifeless. if you need help quitting, and i really hope you consider it, please let me know. i will do anything to help you...as i said in a previous letter to you, "ashes to ashes, we all fall down. but i'm willing to help you back up again, and so is everyone else." i meant that. maybe that's weird coming from me...i don't know...but you're important to me.

when i was a junior in high school, my stepdad died and the worst year of my life followed his death. during that time, i was really depressed all the time. at one point, i felt like i had completely lost control over my life, my emotions, my everything. i felt like i had run into a brick wall and got stuck there...no place to hide, no place to run. i sent mr. riley an e-mail asking him for help and in his reply he told me, "you have steel in your bones. you might not feel it, but it's there. trust it." and just like i have steel in my bones, you have steel in yours. you have to trust that. you are stronger than you realize. no matter what it is that's bothering you at this time in your life, you can overcome it. and you will.

dark nights can be scary. dark times in your life can be scarier. when it's dark for you, look around and you'll see how many friends you have who are willing to help you. consider all of those friends to be night lights - we'll make the dark times a little bit brighter. you know where i live and the door is always open for you. maybe you'll read this...maybe you won't. i really hope that you do.

always,
me.

sand castles

sand scrapes our knees
and hides under our nails.
we dig deep into the earth,
no shovel. no pail.
just our skin, left to our own devices.
the sun beats down,
turning my pale skin pink.
turning your skin a beautiful red-brown.
deeper.
deeper.
deeper.
and the water rushes in to flood the hole we've made.
we're battling with the earth,
and what's the use?
as soon as we step off of the sand and onto the pavement,
the ocean will wash away the castles we've made,
and fill in the holes that we've dug.

we know this.
and we keep digging.
and we pile sand on top of sand
and shape those piles into tall castles surrounded by moats.
and it's perfect!
it's magnificent!
for a moment, we are both five years old and we don't care how dirty and wet we've become.
for a moment, we have nothing on our minds but the pretty waves that fill our moats
and the lovely wet sand castles that harden in the sun.

and when it's time to leave, and we walk away from the setting sun,
we turn around and see
the small children stomping all over our creation
and we
laugh.

so apparently a spider was chilling on my leg at some point yesterday and decided to brutally attack me? i have five different spider bites on my left knee. and they all hurt really bad. and they all itch...really bad. and i want to go home (again, really bad).

i'm looking forward to next tuesday! gene (a lawyer i work with) is going to sing me a song! yaaaay i'll put it on youtube hahaha

i try my best. i get out of bed every morning and let the light into my bedroom. i get ready for work, and then i bike or walk there. i work. work. work. work. work. and then i get to go home. and sometimes, i come home and collapse on the bed for a while. sometimes i come home and eat right away. sometimes i clean. sometimes i go to the gym. it all depends. and now it's the summer time and it's beautiful outside. today at work, i spent about five minutes just looking out the second story window. looking at the small and boring streets of alameda. but the streets really aren't so boring. they're full of all sorts of people. people from all over the bay area and all over california and all over the world. and to me, they don't even have a name...just a face. but to someone else, they are everything. to me, the girl with the brown hair waiting for the bus is just that...just a girl. but to someone else, maybe she is the reason for their existence. and the streets are full of people like that. and i don't know most of them.

oh jeez, look at me rambling. what did i just say anyway?



i'm going to michael's show tonight. a contorted smile is playing at roosters roadhouse for the millionth time. :]

i feel guilty. so so so guilty.

and nervous.

and nerves. nerves can kill. they seep into your bloodstream and cut the life out of every single organ in your body.

i mean, i'm doing nothing wrong. it's just... well, it's just bad timing. and it's out of my hands. but still, i feel like shit about it. and i want to put it off, but at the same time i just want to get it over with.

i have to do this.
i can do this.

holy shit.