i haven't felt inspired to write in so long but today it seems that the words are just flowing out of me. what a fantastic feeling. i've missed this so much. sitting here, typing my thoughts as fast as i can, deleting entire line or paragraphs if i feel like it! please words, inspiration and thought, don't ever leave me again. i am begging you.


writing is like a natural and legal high.

i feel content this afternoon
as yesterdays water washes away with the tide
yet the old feelings remain, as fresh as bloody wounds
and the memories never did fade away

dark, cloudless nights haunt me
i had put myself in the closet and closed the door
the blue light shone upon my face
illuminating a smile, or tears, depending..

and in those days, i thought i knew
but i didn't
i wish i had but i couldn't
wrap my brain, or my fingers around
whatever that thing was
that i couldn't find in the first place

above my head and under my feet all at the same time
i trampled the very thing i was looking for
so unknowingly
so innocently
so ignortantly

regret has no meaning, so i do feel content
sometimes, though, i pause to imagine
what and where and who might i be
had i known? had i realized? had i acted on what i already actually knew?

lifes mystery will always be that
you will never know what could have been

i get a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach when i think about middle school.

that was seven years ago, or so.
where has the time gone, anyway?

by the time most children reach middle school age, they are evil little creatures. the elementary school playground has taught them that in order to stick up for yourself, you must put down someone else. and no, the children don't always realize what they're doing...but they're doing it. you're growing, your body is changing and you're frustrated and confused. life is coming at you fast and the small things seem gigantic. i was no exception. i was quite horrible to a number of people, and i didn't even mean to be. i just was. looking back on it, i see clearly what i did wrong. my words, dipped in ice, were stabbed into peoples chests like daggers. i spread rumors around like the goddamn plague. and i just can't believe how dumb i was. i couldn't even see the damage i was doing to myself and my peers. i made up horrid nicknames for my "friends" and laughed at them behind their backs. upon first meeting one of my best friends, jenny, i flipped her off because she told me i shouldn't wear nail polish to school, as it was against the rules. yeah, that's a great way to make new friends, rosie. great job! i can't believe it.

the positive part is that i did grow up and i realized what i did wrong. i have apologized to most of the people that i hurt.

it seems like yesterday. one day you're thirteen, the next you're twenty. jesus.

in that small cafe.
the park across the way.
the childrens carousel, the chestnut tree, the wishing well.


i'll be seeeeeing you.

it fills me with this rage.
it burns in the pit of my chest.
it radiates throughout my entire body
and where did it come from?

and why is it here?

and yes, it's silly
believe me, it is
but i can't explain it
or understand it, even.

because one moment, it's sunshine
and the next, raindrops
no clouds in the sky, but wet feet
sloshing inside of soaked shoes

and my words do no justice
to this feeling that i have
but i can try until maybe my words will crack the surface
like a hammer on ice

to reveal what lies beneath
what was buried long ago
in the folds of my flesh

dreams & nightmares

for the past few weeks, i've had nothing but nightmares. i'm not sure why, but i have. last night, i had a strange dream.

in it, i had gotten a few surgeries over a period of time- something to do with my boobs (not sure what), a foot surgery to correct damage from dancing, and another surgery somewhere else (i forget - in my dream, i didn't go through the operations, i just knew that they had happened). anyway, all of my surgery sites had become itchy and infected.

we were stuck in a house where these people were trying to find and kill us. it was michael, joey, me and these twin girls that i babysit. we ended up in this basement area and we broke out of a window. first, we lifted the twins out of the window and told them to run, then i hopped out followed by joey, then michael. michael, joey and i started running down the street as fast as we could, but the twins were playing in the front yard. i yelled for them to hurry and run away, but it was too late and an evil woman from the house took them away. we continued to run and run and run, until we were sitting in front of the police department. i was still itchy and in pain. michael then admitted that he had performed all of the surgeries with joey as his assistant. he said that they had no idea what they were doing and they were very sorry, and that i should probably go to a real hospital to get everything fixed. i was beyond angry, so i told the police what happened. michael and joey ended up getting arrested and were sitting in the back of the police car. i was able to sit in the front seat with the sergeant who was driving us to the jail so they could be booked. i was infuriated until i realized what was actually happening. michael was going to jail! and he's psycho for what he had done! what was i going to do? all of this time i had thought he was normal, loving and caring. i can't live with him anymore...or can i? i became very upset in my dream. what was i going to do?
the police car pulled up to the jail, and everyone got in a line. i was still standing with joey and michael. joey touched my shoulder and said sorry, which angered me again and i screamed at him, "DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME!!!" i was angry, then sad, angry, then sad. joey apologized and backed off a little bit.
i hugged michael and cried. i asked him what was going to happen & he said that when he got out of jail he wanted to live with me still & that he'd never do anything wrong again. & he was so nice and warm that i couldn't believe that he had actually done what he had done.

and then i woke up.

WHAT? my brain is so freaking weird. if you're reading this & you know how to decode dreams or whatever, let me know! i want to have happy dreams now, please and thanks.

this shade of green suits no one.
and this shade of red, it burns.
desirable is that shade of blue,
that soothes and never stirs.

and when i paint my canvas,
i paint what i wish, not what i see.
because what i wish for is perfect,
and perfect is not me.

people are not perfect,
and i don't pretend that they are.
it's just that what i am, and what i see
is not what i want nor all that i could be.

i could wear that pretty shade of blue,
that resembles the sky at three.
or i could choose to wear that ugly green,
and be imperfect me.

it's what i choose and what i do,
with the colors within my reach
that will make my day
either light or gray.

and still be,
perfectly imperfect me.

so basically,

i had this plan to go clubbing tonight in san francisco with michael, one of my best friends, a girl who i used to go to school with and her ex-boyfriend. it's a kinda funny story because i hadn't seen this particular girl since fifth grade, until we went out for coffee this morning and reunited. we know practically nothing about each others and i really wouldn't consider us to be friends, since we hadn't seen each other or talked for so many years.

anyways, she invited me and my boyfriend to go clubbing. strange? yeah. but we were willing to go out because we didn't have anything else to do tonight. so i invited my friend jenny and we were set! until like twenty minutes ago when the plan went crazy. all of a sudden, no one could pay for what they said they would and they absolutely insisted that i drive them to east oakland to pick up some guy. i only have a small five seater car and they were trying to squeeze six people in. let me tell you right now - that is NOT happening. so i politely say that i am no longer interested as the plan seems like more of a hassle than anything. then the girl from fifth grade went crazy and blew up my phone with reasons that i NEED to go...this didn't help her case at all. i am 100% sure that she just wanted a driver for her and her friends and that is why i was invited. i'm happy i ended up declining the offer though - that group seemed so strange. phew.



...now i'm off to a different club with jenny & michael. :) Happy Saturday.

the lights above our heads
twinkle softly in the night
the moon and the stars
reflecting on the oceans swells
waves washing ashore fragmented shells
with memories of yesterday,
sinking into sand.

today is being dragged out
into the dark deep
only to be dragged in
to touch tomorrows feet.

haiku [1]

in the deafening
darkness of silence is what
i like to call home

take a look at your belongings.
set them out in front of you.
now, pick out each item that you do not NEED.
now, pick out each item that you barely USE.
take those items, put them in a bag and donate them.
if they are broken, throw them away.

now, take a look at what's left.
cut that pile in half now, and repeat the steps above.

by now, you should only see items that you NEED in front of you.
do not buy any more than what you NEED.
only buy what you will USE.
and do not bow down to temptations.

live simply and make each day meaningful.

.....if only it was that easy!

i do wish that the world wouldn't keep moving forward in the technology field. or at least, not so rapidly. if you go to a park where children should be playing, you will instead see children sitting down staring at their iphones. many schools only accept work that has been typed, not hand written. and people are so focused on spending their days in front of their computers that they forget to go outside and do something.

maybe you don't have to throw away 75% of what you own..but you should definitely focus on living a more simple life. everyone should.

remember when you were a small child
and the night scared you?
you could run to your parents bed
and sleep beside them until sunrise when the monsters would retreat.

what do you do when you grow up
and you wake up, frightened in the dark
and your parents bed is miles or more away from you?