when did i become a coffee over tea kind of girl?

the walk slow, look up, look down and observe kind of girl?

the kind of girl who sings on the sidewalk

poorly, perhaps, but still singing

as if she had the kind of voice you'd want to play loudly on your radio

because appearances aren't everything, no. not even close.

my feet, arched high appear graceful

but really, they thud and stomp through the day,

just a little unattractive in the most attractive way

and my skin, pulled tight over my bones,

is pallid and soft

as if the sun never did shine

in this town, or any town for that matter.

my lips are cracked and they bleed these words

and my small hands try to catch them before they drip

and stain

this pressure makes the bleeding worse

and still, these words remain.

i haven't felt inspired to write in so long but today it seems that the words are just flowing out of me. what a fantastic feeling. i've missed this so much. sitting here, typing my thoughts as fast as i can, deleting entire line or paragraphs if i feel like it! please words, inspiration and thought, don't ever leave me again. i am begging you.


writing is like a natural and legal high.

i feel content this afternoon
as yesterdays water washes away with the tide
yet the old feelings remain, as fresh as bloody wounds
and the memories never did fade away

dark, cloudless nights haunt me
i had put myself in the closet and closed the door
the blue light shone upon my face
illuminating a smile, or tears, depending..

and in those days, i thought i knew
but i didn't
i wish i had but i couldn't
wrap my brain, or my fingers around
whatever that thing was
that i couldn't find in the first place

above my head and under my feet all at the same time
i trampled the very thing i was looking for
so unknowingly
so innocently
so ignortantly

regret has no meaning, so i do feel content
sometimes, though, i pause to imagine
what and where and who might i be
had i known? had i realized? had i acted on what i already actually knew?

lifes mystery will always be that
you will never know what could have been

i get a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach when i think about middle school.

that was seven years ago, or so.
where has the time gone, anyway?

by the time most children reach middle school age, they are evil little creatures. the elementary school playground has taught them that in order to stick up for yourself, you must put down someone else. and no, the children don't always realize what they're doing...but they're doing it. you're growing, your body is changing and you're frustrated and confused. life is coming at you fast and the small things seem gigantic. i was no exception. i was quite horrible to a number of people, and i didn't even mean to be. i just was. looking back on it, i see clearly what i did wrong. my words, dipped in ice, were stabbed into peoples chests like daggers. i spread rumors around like the goddamn plague. and i just can't believe how dumb i was. i couldn't even see the damage i was doing to myself and my peers. i made up horrid nicknames for my "friends" and laughed at them behind their backs. upon first meeting one of my best friends, jenny, i flipped her off because she told me i shouldn't wear nail polish to school, as it was against the rules. yeah, that's a great way to make new friends, rosie. great job! i can't believe it.

the positive part is that i did grow up and i realized what i did wrong. i have apologized to most of the people that i hurt.

it seems like yesterday. one day you're thirteen, the next you're twenty. jesus.

in that small cafe.
the park across the way.
the childrens carousel, the chestnut tree, the wishing well.


i'll be seeeeeing you.

it fills me with this rage.
it burns in the pit of my chest.
it radiates throughout my entire body
and where did it come from?

and why is it here?

and yes, it's silly
believe me, it is
but i can't explain it
or understand it, even.

because one moment, it's sunshine
and the next, raindrops
no clouds in the sky, but wet feet
sloshing inside of soaked shoes

and my words do no justice
to this feeling that i have
but i can try until maybe my words will crack the surface
like a hammer on ice

to reveal what lies beneath
what was buried long ago
in the folds of my flesh

dreams & nightmares

for the past few weeks, i've had nothing but nightmares. i'm not sure why, but i have. last night, i had a strange dream.

in it, i had gotten a few surgeries over a period of time- something to do with my boobs (not sure what), a foot surgery to correct damage from dancing, and another surgery somewhere else (i forget - in my dream, i didn't go through the operations, i just knew that they had happened). anyway, all of my surgery sites had become itchy and infected.

we were stuck in a house where these people were trying to find and kill us. it was michael, joey, me and these twin girls that i babysit. we ended up in this basement area and we broke out of a window. first, we lifted the twins out of the window and told them to run, then i hopped out followed by joey, then michael. michael, joey and i started running down the street as fast as we could, but the twins were playing in the front yard. i yelled for them to hurry and run away, but it was too late and an evil woman from the house took them away. we continued to run and run and run, until we were sitting in front of the police department. i was still itchy and in pain. michael then admitted that he had performed all of the surgeries with joey as his assistant. he said that they had no idea what they were doing and they were very sorry, and that i should probably go to a real hospital to get everything fixed. i was beyond angry, so i told the police what happened. michael and joey ended up getting arrested and were sitting in the back of the police car. i was able to sit in the front seat with the sergeant who was driving us to the jail so they could be booked. i was infuriated until i realized what was actually happening. michael was going to jail! and he's psycho for what he had done! what was i going to do? all of this time i had thought he was normal, loving and caring. i can't live with him anymore...or can i? i became very upset in my dream. what was i going to do?
the police car pulled up to the jail, and everyone got in a line. i was still standing with joey and michael. joey touched my shoulder and said sorry, which angered me again and i screamed at him, "DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME!!!" i was angry, then sad, angry, then sad. joey apologized and backed off a little bit.
i hugged michael and cried. i asked him what was going to happen & he said that when he got out of jail he wanted to live with me still & that he'd never do anything wrong again. & he was so nice and warm that i couldn't believe that he had actually done what he had done.

and then i woke up.

WHAT? my brain is so freaking weird. if you're reading this & you know how to decode dreams or whatever, let me know! i want to have happy dreams now, please and thanks.