"you are everything i want because you are everything i'm not."

i'm nineteen, right? please tell me that i'm still nineteen. i mean, my nineteenth birthday was just at the end of last month.
i heard the thoughts in my mind this morning and they weren't the thoughts of a nineteen year old.
i looked at the pleated black dress and low heels in my closet and they don't look like the clothes of a nineteen year old.
i looked at the pile of bills and dmv paperwork stacked on top of my microwave and it didn't seem like that pile should belong to a nineteen year old.

my mom says that she's proud of me. she thinks that it's a good thing that i'm living in my own apartment, buying my own groceries and paying my own bills. she thinks i'm more responsible than my peers.

i guess you could say that. i have a ton of responsibility. but one thing that many of my peers have that i don't is freedom. i chose this for myself though. i wanted this! and you know what, i have no regrets. moving into my apartment with michael two weeks before graduation was one of the best decisions i've ever made! it's great! really. because if it wasn't great, i wouldn't still be living here. i would have crawled back to my mom's house. but i didn't. i am an adult. and i can come and go as i please.

but here's the catch - i don't come and go as i please. and i should. i need to. i will start.

i won't let this summer pass by me. it's time to live. as always, the time is now.
being an adult can wait.

hey wednesday!

YOU SUCK.

you're even worse than mondays.

another long day

the days keep getting longer. i wake up earlier, i stay up later. and all through out, i rest only momentarily.

going.
going.
going.


not gone. yet.

"youth is wasted on the young."

well, i guess. but when i compare myself to other people my age, it seems like they're doing a fine job of being young. it's just that, i'm not. youth is wasted on me. i'm so busy all of the time and so much is happening around me and there are so many people to please. so many things. at some point in your life, you must learn the value of a dollar. and that's a hard lesson to learn. it goes like this...you get your paycheck. go grocery shopping. get gas. pay bills. sudden realization that, "oh shit! i just got my paycheck yesterday and i'm already broke again." you gotta find a way though. unless you want to just kick it out on the street and stuff.

i'm going to work again todaaay. and then after, aunt michelle and uncle shaun's house to work on michael's resume some. and then after that, the gym. and then after that, sleeping. wake up. repeat!

repetition! repetition!

spontaneity is what i prefer. spontaneity is what i crave.


and here i sit, cozy in my jammies on a beautiful morning in a warm, clean house.
and there my work clothes sit, folded neatly into squares, shirt stacked on top of pants, jewelry lying on top of shirt.
i wish i could put those clothes back in the drawers they belong in, and put myself back in the bed i belong in.



it's just another long day.