raaaaant!

i run from things. and that's really really bad. and it's not even intentional most of the time. i just do it without realizing...

i get a bill in the mail. i check my bank balance - i'm broke..still. no surprise there. i say to myself, "okay, i'll pay this as soon as i get my paycheck!" and i put the bill in a safe place. and i forget about it until almost the last minute...but i could have taken care of it so much sooner.

it's just that it is so so so SO hard to pay bills sometimes. most times. well, let's be real...all the time. i get my paycheck and then i spend most of it on groceries. about thirty dollars of it on gas. then i pay for my cell phone, internet and gym membership. and then i'll have about ten or fifteen dollars to last me until my next paycheck. thankfully, with my new job, i'll be getting more hours. more money. but unfortunately, i'll be spending that money on another (much bigger) bill : my rent.

i work my ass off, you know. i wake up at 5:45 in the morning to go to work and i don't get to relax until 5:00 in the evening. i work so hard to pay bills. i have no extra money to get a new pair of jeans (or even a new pair of work pants). i have no extra money to buy some nice smelling perfume (even though i've been wanting a nice bottle for the longest time). i have no extra money to do fun things, have fun things, go fun places...nothing. i wake up. i go to work. i come home. i eat dinner. i go on the computer/watch a movie. i go to sleep. and then i babysit on the weekends to get extra cash. i am nineteen years old. i bet you can't tell me the names of other people my age who work as hard as i do. i can count the number of people i know who do on one hand & four of those fingers would have no purpose.

i feel like the only one.

BUT! don't get it completely twisted. i enjoy going to work most days - i have a fantastic job that i love. i enjoy having freedom & being able to call myself an adult. i enjoy the feeling of depositing my paychecks - it's the best feeling! and i am incredibly grateful for everything that i have - responsibilities included. because i asked for this. i begged and argued for this. because i could have lived with one of my parents for free. because i didn't have to apply myself and push myself. i am proud of everything that i've accomplished. i can honestly say that i am an adult. i am no longer financially supported by my parents (although they do help me sometimes). i have no curfew. i live with my boyfriend. if i want to eat ice cream for dinner, i do it. and i deserve it. i really really do.

i just need to work on a few areas in my personal life:

*stop running away from things that are intimidating/inconvenient.
*go out and have fun! be nineteen! act nineteen!
*write more...i've become so rusty.