i like storms, even though they scare me a little bit. it's not storming now, but i guess it's supposed to rain later tonight. i like the rain, but it's not so much fun now that i'm older. it was a lot more fun when i was little and i didn't care if i got my shoes all wet or if my feet got cold. i didn't care if i got sick either, because if i got sick it just served as a great excuse to stay home and have fun instead of go to school...now if i get sick, it just serves as one less day i go to work, and 6.5 hours less on my paycheck. it's not worth it to get sick anymore. being ill is out of fashion for grown ups.
what defines being a "grown up" anyways? is it just being financially independent? or it is your maturity level? or is it a mixture of both? because i know a ton of adults with the maturity level and intelligence of a seventh grader, but they are financially independent. hmmm. i don't know.
it's so cold in the house! but if i turn on the heater, it'll get way too hot up in the loft bed..all that heat rises, and then stays up there! so it makes it difficult to sleep.
sleep.
sleep.
sleep.
my dear friend, sleep. i didn't get much sleep last night, all thanks to my medicine making me sick & me throwing up in the middle of the night...multiple times. cute, right?
sleep.
that's where i'm headed. to sleep. GOOD NIGHT, non-existant people who read my blog.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
anticipation!
another year is ending. in four days, it will no longer be the year 2009 and we will have to leave behind us everything that happened. except, we'll take our memories with us into 2010. i don't know what to say about this year. what can i say? it had its ups and its downs, as all things do. i don't remember much from the beginning of the year, besides february 13. that was the one year anniversary of scott's death. and shit...soon, it'll be two years. and then, of course i was finishing up my senior year in high school. i was so busy, but i had some good times. finals came and went, and then graduation...i remember standing in the quad, getting ready to line up and march into the gym before our families and closest friends and become adults. and become freed of that school. meh. i moved into my apartment with michael two weeks before graduation. kurby visited from new jersey. we got a kitten. we named her coraline. over the summer, kurby moved back to california. michael got his band, a contorted smile, together. i quit my awful retail job at gymboree, with no notice...because that's what they deserve. and got hired at city hall. and then,
and then,
and then,
well. that's actually just about everything...and that's a lie. because there is so much more that happened this year that isn't coming to mind right now.
but so much happened this year! i gained much, i lost some, and now the year is coming to a dreary close. and there's this little light of hope shining in my mind! what does 2010 have in store for me? what disaster will strike? what wonderful blessing will i receive? so much can happen in a year. and there is much to anticipate in the coming of a new year.
and then,
and then,
well. that's actually just about everything...and that's a lie. because there is so much more that happened this year that isn't coming to mind right now.
but so much happened this year! i gained much, i lost some, and now the year is coming to a dreary close. and there's this little light of hope shining in my mind! what does 2010 have in store for me? what disaster will strike? what wonderful blessing will i receive? so much can happen in a year. and there is much to anticipate in the coming of a new year.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
december.
the end of the year.
why does the end have to be so dark and lonely? cold and rainy? and blue?
why can't it be a little bit brighter? a little bit optimistic?
sure, it's an ending. and endings are sad, mostly. but a beginning is just around the corner. and beginnings are happy, usually. right?
why does the end have to be so dark and lonely? cold and rainy? and blue?
why can't it be a little bit brighter? a little bit optimistic?
sure, it's an ending. and endings are sad, mostly. but a beginning is just around the corner. and beginnings are happy, usually. right?
"it all just ends up tasting watered down!
(stop being so complicated!)
& everyone has found an easy way out!"
& everyone has found an easy way out!"
meh.
my toilet is all clogged up. oh, how i love the ancient plumbing in my apartment.
my mom and her boyfriend are coming over right now to try and fix it, since i couldn't and michael had to go to work.
thank you, life.
my mom and her boyfriend are coming over right now to try and fix it, since i couldn't and michael had to go to work.
thank you, life.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
"bah humbug," says my wallet.
i love the christmas season and all, but SHIT. i am broke as a motha.
i ended up just making gifts for all of my friends. because they're my friends and they understand that my bank account is a little bit pathetic & they'll get over it hahahah. oh well. next year, i think i'll start buying presents a lot earlier so i won't have to be so goddamn poor at the end of december again hahahah.
yeeeeah.
my mom and i went on an hour long search for glitter this morning.
it was magical.
i ended up just making gifts for all of my friends. because they're my friends and they understand that my bank account is a little bit pathetic & they'll get over it hahahah. oh well. next year, i think i'll start buying presents a lot earlier so i won't have to be so goddamn poor at the end of december again hahahah.
yeeeeah.
my mom and i went on an hour long search for glitter this morning.
it was magical.
apples, oranges and pears too.
how can i say this?
that i miss you.
how many years has it been
since i've held your hand?
our innocence has faded,
washed away with the tide.
the times have changed us,
but we can always say that we tried.
you're doing your thing,
and i'm doing mine.
and i'm happy about it,
and so are you.
but who can help but to stop and wonder.
what might have been?
and in the end, it's all about the choices we make.
the chances we take.
the hearts that we break (and mend).
the lessons we learn.
the memories we burn.
the awards that we earn.
the regrets we hold,
as we keep growing old
and unable to fix our mistakes.
mistakes.
the mistakes we made.
but i guess i wouldn't trade...
what's meant to be is what it is.
and life throws you lemons sometimes.
and sometimes it throws you apples, oranges and pears too.
but you live.
and you learn.
and you keep on going
until you cannot go any longer.
and then,
the world will keep on going.
that i miss you.
how many years has it been
since i've held your hand?
our innocence has faded,
washed away with the tide.
the times have changed us,
but we can always say that we tried.
you're doing your thing,
and i'm doing mine.
and i'm happy about it,
and so are you.
but who can help but to stop and wonder.
what might have been?
and in the end, it's all about the choices we make.
the chances we take.
the hearts that we break (and mend).
the lessons we learn.
the memories we burn.
the awards that we earn.
the regrets we hold,
as we keep growing old
and unable to fix our mistakes.
mistakes.
the mistakes we made.
but i guess i wouldn't trade...
what's meant to be is what it is.
and life throws you lemons sometimes.
and sometimes it throws you apples, oranges and pears too.
but you live.
and you learn.
and you keep on going
until you cannot go any longer.
and then,
the world will keep on going.
Friday, December 18, 2009
hope
catherine's dad had a heart attack this morning. he's still alive...i hope it stays that way for a good long time too. he's in the hospital right now. she called me this morning while i was at work to tell me. usually i don't answer my cell phone when i'm at work--i just text. because texting isn't quite so obvious, you know? anyways, for some reason i decided to answer the phone this time. & she sounded so devestated! well, obviously she was devestated. so i took a short break so i could talk to her about it all. i feel so bad. i hope she doesn't have to lose her daddy yet...that's so hard. when i lost scott, it was so so so fucking awful. i was in this dark, terrible, depressing, confusing place. i didn't know who to talk to..i didn't know who would understand. & i don't want catherine (or anyone) to have to feel like that.
death is scary. i'm not afraid to die though. what i am afraid of is losing the people i love and care about. because once they're gone, they're really gone. and you're left with memories until you meet again...if that's what happens.
no one reads this blog yet, i don't think...i haven't told anyone about it. but just in case anyone does, please keep catherine's dad in your positive thoughts & prayers, if you pray. let's hope that he recovers quickly and fully.
hope. i guess that's all we have sometimes.
death is scary. i'm not afraid to die though. what i am afraid of is losing the people i love and care about. because once they're gone, they're really gone. and you're left with memories until you meet again...if that's what happens.
no one reads this blog yet, i don't think...i haven't told anyone about it. but just in case anyone does, please keep catherine's dad in your positive thoughts & prayers, if you pray. let's hope that he recovers quickly and fully.
hope. i guess that's all we have sometimes.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
"signed, sincerely, me."
if you were here, this probably wouldn't be happening. if you were here, and this was happening, you'd be so ashamed. and sad. and surprised. and disappointed. because it's stupid.
i miss your warmth. your flannel jackets and khaki shorts, long holey socks and beat-up baseball cap. i miss your hugs. your smiles. the meals that you made. the memories you created with me, and with everyone else you encountered. but maybe i should stop dwelling in the past so much. maybe i should accept that you're gone. really gone. because even still, almost two years later, i feel like calling you. but i know that if i dialed your number, i would not hear your voice on the line. i miss your voice too. and your big laugh. i even miss your annoying habits! because even though you drove me insane sometimes, at least you drove me. somewhere. somehow. but you still do. drive me, i mean. the memories i carry of you inspire me & push me to be the best i can possibly be. and i talk to you a lot in my head...i hope that you can hear the things i say to you!
i don't know when i'll ever get over your death. or if i will at all. some pains, you learn to deal with. but some pains never fade. & this pain doesn't seem to be fading anymore. in a way, i'm grateful for the pain. because the pain reminds me of you, and of everything. the pain tells me, "yeah, this is real. that actually happened. you lived through it." & it can be comforting, as weird as that sounds.
so don't worry if i sob into my pillow sometimes. i'm okay. i just miss you terribly.
all my love,
rosie
i miss your warmth. your flannel jackets and khaki shorts, long holey socks and beat-up baseball cap. i miss your hugs. your smiles. the meals that you made. the memories you created with me, and with everyone else you encountered. but maybe i should stop dwelling in the past so much. maybe i should accept that you're gone. really gone. because even still, almost two years later, i feel like calling you. but i know that if i dialed your number, i would not hear your voice on the line. i miss your voice too. and your big laugh. i even miss your annoying habits! because even though you drove me insane sometimes, at least you drove me. somewhere. somehow. but you still do. drive me, i mean. the memories i carry of you inspire me & push me to be the best i can possibly be. and i talk to you a lot in my head...i hope that you can hear the things i say to you!
i don't know when i'll ever get over your death. or if i will at all. some pains, you learn to deal with. but some pains never fade. & this pain doesn't seem to be fading anymore. in a way, i'm grateful for the pain. because the pain reminds me of you, and of everything. the pain tells me, "yeah, this is real. that actually happened. you lived through it." & it can be comforting, as weird as that sounds.
so don't worry if i sob into my pillow sometimes. i'm okay. i just miss you terribly.
all my love,
rosie
good morning.
mediocre morning. :]
i didn't want to get out of bed today. i was so warm & cozy in my bed and the air around me was so fucking ARCTIC. i wasn't feeling it. so i re-set my alarm clock & went back to sleep. i got up 45 minutes later. my nana has this painting in her house that has a girl sitting at a table looking sleepy & it says, "some days it just doesn't pay to get up." and that's sooo true some days. but not for this day because i have to get up to go to work. today, it pays to get up...even if getting up seems like more trouble than it's worth.
it was raining earlier but it stopped. that's good because i'm walking to work. work. uhhhg. i like my job! wait, scratch that. i LOVE my job. why wouldn't i? but sometimes it's so boring that i want to scrape my eyes out with a rusty spoon just so i can entertain myself for a quick minute. i think that'll change eventually though. probably in 2010.
siiiiiiirens! i hear them all the time. they make you wonder: who called for their assistance? is someone hurt? is someone dying? is someone holding their family at gun point? did someone steal something? what the fuck is going on?
weeee-wooo.
i ramble.
i didn't want to get out of bed today. i was so warm & cozy in my bed and the air around me was so fucking ARCTIC. i wasn't feeling it. so i re-set my alarm clock & went back to sleep. i got up 45 minutes later. my nana has this painting in her house that has a girl sitting at a table looking sleepy & it says, "some days it just doesn't pay to get up." and that's sooo true some days. but not for this day because i have to get up to go to work. today, it pays to get up...even if getting up seems like more trouble than it's worth.
it was raining earlier but it stopped. that's good because i'm walking to work. work. uhhhg. i like my job! wait, scratch that. i LOVE my job. why wouldn't i? but sometimes it's so boring that i want to scrape my eyes out with a rusty spoon just so i can entertain myself for a quick minute. i think that'll change eventually though. probably in 2010.
siiiiiiirens! i hear them all the time. they make you wonder: who called for their assistance? is someone hurt? is someone dying? is someone holding their family at gun point? did someone steal something? what the fuck is going on?
weeee-wooo.
i ramble.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
maybe!
"However mean your life is, meet it and live it. Do not shun it and call it hard names. Cultivate poverty like a garden herb, like sage. So not trouble yourself to get new things, whether clothes or friends. Things do not change, we change. Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts."
- Henry David Thoreau
thank you, mr. thoreau. how can i put it better than that? well, i can't. & i won't even attempt to. but i'll put in my two cents, for whatever it's worth.
change. of course it's necessary. how could humans (or any living thing, really) survive if change did not exist? one must adapt to new environments. new people. new thoughts. and how boring would it be if nothing changed? you'd always look the same. you'd never mature, i don't think. because in order to become more mature, changes need to happen. but sometimes, change feels so unwelcome. it bursts through your front door, even when you didn't invite it in. and it doesn't even bother to knock first sometimes. you could be absolutely content with your life and then...and then. change saunters into your life. sometimes it's good. sometimes it's fucking terrible. and either way, there's not one thing you can do about it.
lately it's like i almost don't even know my own friends. it's winter break & they're all pouring in through the airport gates, suitcases full of sweats & flip-flops, minds full of drunken stories and new faces. and that's not bad. because that's expected. they chose to go away to college. i chose to stay in the bay area with the people i love the most. and i don't think that's a bad thing...but it makes me sad sometimes. because everyone has changed so much! everyone has new friends. friends who mean so much more to them than i do. i guess i'm being silly. but i guess that many years of friendship might mean nothing after three months of college. maybe. but then, maybe it's not exactly that. maybe it's just that the friendship was not that strong to begin with, that the friendship was false or forced or faded. and then the time apart only made our friendship show it's true colors. or maybe, change showed up unannounced and destoyed everything for some yet untold reason. & maybe, just maybe, this change is for the better. only time will tell. i am just happy that i have other friendships that are stronger than all that. i have friendships that will grow stronger through change, not fall apart. 3000 miles is nothing if your friendship means anything. and being best friends for eighteen years (and counting) is no small feat. change shows it's ugly face many many times in the course of eighteen years. i'll hold on to these friendships, the friendships that mean the most, with all of my might. and the others...well, i guess i might have to let them go at some point. again, time will tell.
and yeah, maybe i'm not living the typical college life. but you know what? i am happy with where i'm at. i have a respectable job, i have a good relationship with my family and best friends, i live with my boyfriend who i love so much...and love! my life is full of it. i am where i am supposed to be. and what a feeling.
- Henry David Thoreau
thank you, mr. thoreau. how can i put it better than that? well, i can't. & i won't even attempt to. but i'll put in my two cents, for whatever it's worth.
change. of course it's necessary. how could humans (or any living thing, really) survive if change did not exist? one must adapt to new environments. new people. new thoughts. and how boring would it be if nothing changed? you'd always look the same. you'd never mature, i don't think. because in order to become more mature, changes need to happen. but sometimes, change feels so unwelcome. it bursts through your front door, even when you didn't invite it in. and it doesn't even bother to knock first sometimes. you could be absolutely content with your life and then...and then. change saunters into your life. sometimes it's good. sometimes it's fucking terrible. and either way, there's not one thing you can do about it.
lately it's like i almost don't even know my own friends. it's winter break & they're all pouring in through the airport gates, suitcases full of sweats & flip-flops, minds full of drunken stories and new faces. and that's not bad. because that's expected. they chose to go away to college. i chose to stay in the bay area with the people i love the most. and i don't think that's a bad thing...but it makes me sad sometimes. because everyone has changed so much! everyone has new friends. friends who mean so much more to them than i do. i guess i'm being silly. but i guess that many years of friendship might mean nothing after three months of college. maybe. but then, maybe it's not exactly that. maybe it's just that the friendship was not that strong to begin with, that the friendship was false or forced or faded. and then the time apart only made our friendship show it's true colors. or maybe, change showed up unannounced and destoyed everything for some yet untold reason. & maybe, just maybe, this change is for the better. only time will tell. i am just happy that i have other friendships that are stronger than all that. i have friendships that will grow stronger through change, not fall apart. 3000 miles is nothing if your friendship means anything. and being best friends for eighteen years (and counting) is no small feat. change shows it's ugly face many many times in the course of eighteen years. i'll hold on to these friendships, the friendships that mean the most, with all of my might. and the others...well, i guess i might have to let them go at some point. again, time will tell.
and yeah, maybe i'm not living the typical college life. but you know what? i am happy with where i'm at. i have a respectable job, i have a good relationship with my family and best friends, i live with my boyfriend who i love so much...and love! my life is full of it. i am where i am supposed to be. and what a feeling.
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