if you were here, this probably wouldn't be happening. if you were here, and this was happening, you'd be so ashamed. and sad. and surprised. and disappointed. because it's stupid.
i miss your warmth. your flannel jackets and khaki shorts, long holey socks and beat-up baseball cap. i miss your hugs. your smiles. the meals that you made. the memories you created with me, and with everyone else you encountered. but maybe i should stop dwelling in the past so much. maybe i should accept that you're gone. really gone. because even still, almost two years later, i feel like calling you. but i know that if i dialed your number, i would not hear your voice on the line. i miss your voice too. and your big laugh. i even miss your annoying habits! because even though you drove me insane sometimes, at least you drove me. somewhere. somehow. but you still do. drive me, i mean. the memories i carry of you inspire me & push me to be the best i can possibly be. and i talk to you a lot in my head...i hope that you can hear the things i say to you!
i don't know when i'll ever get over your death. or if i will at all. some pains, you learn to deal with. but some pains never fade. & this pain doesn't seem to be fading anymore. in a way, i'm grateful for the pain. because the pain reminds me of you, and of everything. the pain tells me, "yeah, this is real. that actually happened. you lived through it." & it can be comforting, as weird as that sounds.
so don't worry if i sob into my pillow sometimes. i'm okay. i just miss you terribly.
all my love,
rosie
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