maybe!

"However mean your life is, meet it and live it. Do not shun it and call it hard names. Cultivate poverty like a garden herb, like sage. So not trouble yourself to get new things, whether clothes or friends. Things do not change, we change. Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts."
- Henry David Thoreau

thank you, mr. thoreau. how can i put it better than that? well, i can't. & i won't even attempt to. but i'll put in my two cents, for whatever it's worth.

change. of course it's necessary. how could humans (or any living thing, really) survive if change did not exist? one must adapt to new environments. new people. new thoughts. and how boring would it be if nothing changed? you'd always look the same. you'd never mature, i don't think. because in order to become more mature, changes need to happen. but sometimes, change feels so unwelcome. it bursts through your front door, even when you didn't invite it in. and it doesn't even bother to knock first sometimes. you could be absolutely content with your life and then...and then. change saunters into your life. sometimes it's good. sometimes it's fucking terrible. and either way, there's not one thing you can do about it.

lately it's like i almost don't even know my own friends. it's winter break & they're all pouring in through the airport gates, suitcases full of sweats & flip-flops, minds full of drunken stories and new faces. and that's not bad. because that's expected. they chose to go away to college. i chose to stay in the bay area with the people i love the most. and i don't think that's a bad thing...but it makes me sad sometimes. because everyone has changed so much! everyone has new friends. friends who mean so much more to them than i do. i guess i'm being silly. but i guess that many years of friendship might mean nothing after three months of college. maybe. but then, maybe it's not exactly that. maybe it's just that the friendship was not that strong to begin with, that the friendship was false or forced or faded. and then the time apart only made our friendship show it's true colors. or maybe, change showed up unannounced and destoyed everything for some yet untold reason. & maybe, just maybe, this change is for the better. only time will tell. i am just happy that i have other friendships that are stronger than all that. i have friendships that will grow stronger through change, not fall apart. 3000 miles is nothing if your friendship means anything. and being best friends for eighteen years (and counting) is no small feat. change shows it's ugly face many many times in the course of eighteen years. i'll hold on to these friendships, the friendships that mean the most, with all of my might. and the others...well, i guess i might have to let them go at some point. again, time will tell.

and yeah, maybe i'm not living the typical college life. but you know what? i am happy with where i'm at. i have a respectable job, i have a good relationship with my family and best friends, i live with my boyfriend who i love so much...and love! my life is full of it. i am where i am supposed to be. and what a feeling.