"they'll never catch us, chuck. we're too smart."

if you haven't seen shutter island yet, you need to. i loved that movie. the plot pulls you in deeper and deeper, and keeps twisting, and your mind never stops thinking. not even once. and the actors! they were fantastic! i expected much less from leonardo dicaprio, but he was especially great. i guess they weren't kidding when they said that martin scorsese kicks ass. i want to write all about the movie...but i'd hate to ruin it for anyone. i don't even know who reads my blog on a regular basis...but if you do, and if you've seen this movie, let's talk about it.







oh, and watch out for that lighthouse.

i didn't mean to hurt your feelings. sometimes, when i write, i don't think. and sometimes, when i am not thinking, i write some stuff that i don't entirely mean. they're just words. a long time ago, i said that my weapon of choice was words. not pistols or swords or lethal injections...just words. because words can save someone, just as a gun, when used properly, can save. and words can also kill. words can injure someone. and well, i never meant to cut you open with my words. and i wish that there was some word i could say to bandage that wound i made...but the only word i can come up with is "sorry". and "sorry" doesn't always heal the wound, does it? but i guess that "sorry" will have to do for now. don't worry about those words that didn't matter. i know that it's probably hard not to worry, but don't. those words came out of a bad situation...not many people understand how hard it was for me to stand next to scott's hospital bed, with him unable to move or speak, with the knowledge that he was going to die the very next day & that was the last time i'll ever see him. he wasn't my dad. and he never took your place -- no one can. but i did love him. and that was the hardest thing i've ever had to go through. and i still cry about it sometimes, and when i write about it - well, it's hard to explain. what i'm getting at here is that i love you very much, i never meant to hurt your feelings, and we'll work everything out. i am sorry.

[?]

i'm going to ride my bike down to washington park. and then, i'm going to ride my bike back home along the beach. hopefully by the end of it all, my thighs will be a little bit sore, and maybe a little bit more in shape. and maybe, this bike ride might clear my head a little. maybe. hopefully. because i've been so stressed out lately. i need to take a vacation! but i'm broke and shit, so instead i will just take a bike ride and hope for the best.


things need to turn around soon. i need more money in the bank, more food in my fridge, and most importantly : more smiles than tears. i said that life is difficult. my mom replied, "life's not difficult. the people in it are." true fucking story, mom. i wish that so many people in my life weren't difficult though....that'd be magical.

[[insert one really heavy sigh here]]


....to my bike!

and on a different note,

FUCK.

for michael

you saved me. you saved me when life was growing too heavy on my small shoulders. you saved me from myself too, in a way. you are my life jacket. when my ships are sinking, i run to you and you hold me. you keep my head above the crashing waves and you keep me warm in your tight embrace. even when my ships aren't sinking and i just think that they are, you're still there and the waves never touch me then. you're better than a life jacket. i think you're my rescue boat. i love you deeply, you know. it's almost unexplainable, in a way, but i'll try to explain it anyways. when i see you, i smile. when you hold me, i feel like i'm at home. when you hold my hand, warm and tight, i feel safe. whenever i fall asleep without you next to me, i feel uneasy. and then, as soon as you slide under the covers and put your arms around me, i fall into a deep, easy sleep. and i'm genuinely happy. i love your smell. i remember when we were in high school and i used to borrow your sweatshirts so i could cuddle with them at night time as i fell asleep. you're different from everyone else in the world - you don't care about what people think about you. you live! you actually live! so many people take life for granted, but you...you never do. i admire you. we've been through so much together...times when we couldn't stop laughing and times when we couldn't control our tears. you know me better than anyone else. i want everything with you. i want everything for you. you're amazing and you don't even realize it. you're going to go so far in life, i just know it. and i am forever yours.

all my love,
your girl.

but it also rises

the other day i went for a run on the beach. alameda beach is a little bit gross and i'm slightly afraid to dip my toes in the water there because it seems so polluted. it's sad. as i was running, i was looking at the sand in front of me, filled with tiny broken shells and seaweed and hamburger wrappers and french fry boxes. i was thinking about how beautiful alameda beach would be without all that trash. we should probably do something about that.

anyway. i was running. it was difficult to run! my feet kept sinking deep into the sand and i had to work ten times harder to cross the same distance i'd cross on flat land. i got to the curve in the beach and decided that'd be a good place to stop running. then i finally looked up from the sand for a minute and i saw the sky. it was glorious. the sun was just about to set and the sky was turning shades of pink and orange. the tide was low and the birds were waddling around in the muddy water. hardly anyone was on the beach because...well, who goes to the beach in february? and for a moment, it was just me and the setting sun. the setting sun representing all that i have loved and lost. all that i've been forced to let go of. all the dark times. it made me realize that yes,the sun does set. but it also rises. and i just stood there on the beach with my arms stretched out wide, feeling the last rays of the sun touch my skin before it disappeared behind the hills. i walked back to the other side of the beach with my toes splashing in the water, feeling perfectly content. then i went home to eat dinner with michael, the other sunshine in my life.

loose pages.

we are nothing but loose pages.
chaotic, crumpled, scattered, alone.
when a gust of wind blows, we fly with it.
we spin in the air wildly, flying from place to place.
we have no choice in where we land,
we just land.
and we sit there, shivering silently, until...
another gust of wind comes, and then we fly once more.

all we want is a paperclip.
some sort of an anchor.
togetherness.
a plan.

though we love the cool breeze,
we also love shelter.
and some balance would be nice too.

wet parades.

she says, "i have something wonderful to tell you!"

he says, "that's fantastic, and i don't want to rain on your parade, but..."

"but what?", she says.

"but...i break promises all the time, and this time is no different. you're on your own, kid. the world is big and the world is tough - and i, i am the opposite. i am weak and i am small. i am not an apple in anyone's eye. i am bitter and angry. and you, you're all alone now too...you just have to figure it out as you go..one day you'll thank me," he says.

[silence]

and then she says, "but i am not alone, and i never will be. one day i will thank you, you say? the sun will never rise on that day, so don't wait around for it. i'll give you an ultimatum : either support me and my decisions in life or get the fuck out of my life. you decide."

two years.

i can't believe that it's been two years since then. i wish you could see how far i've come -- you'd be really proud, i think. i graduated high school last year, i moved into my own apartment and i'm in college. i have a job at city hall now and i think you'd be really happy about that too. today was catherine's wedding and it was really hard at some points. it made me think about when the time comes for me to get married...i always wanted you to walk me down the aisle. and it makes me angry and sad that you can't. i think i'll have my brothers do it....but i have a lot of time to think about that, since i am in no rush.

i still miss you. i'm pretty sure that will never change.

"you are not alone" by michael jackson came on today & it made me cry.



"Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold"

...


"But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone"

i'm not alone. i know that. i will never be alone. i still talk to you in my head sometimes and you can call me crazy but i think that you hear me. i hope you do.

"i can hear the bells!"

catherine is getting married this saturday. my best friend is getting married in three days - how strange is that? it seems like only yesterday we were cuddling up next to each other one of our tiny twin-sized beds, listening to the backstreet boys and giggling. cooking more top ramen and macaroni & cheese than anyone could possibly eat. watching scary movies late at night and then being so scared that we had to go get every bible and rosary in the house and put them in catherine's room so that we could actually fall asleep. camping out in our backyards. our trip to nevada, when we saw the exorcism of emily rose & had to stay alone in a house with a seemingly demonic cat. watching titanic and rumpelstiltskin over and over and OVER again, until we had the scripts memorized. hula-hooping in the driveway. girl scouts. our tradition. it really only seems like yesterday.

but time does not wait for anyone. the clock ticks, and sometimes it leaves you behind.then all of a sudden, reality slaps you in the face and the rush of blood to your cheek also brings the rush of...adulthood? i suppose. because we are no longer children. we have bills to pay, jobs to keep, and people we cannot bear to disappoint. we have many expectations and not too many "get out of jail free cards" or "do-overs". forgiveness doesn't come as easy as it used to. i guess that's okay though...it's expected (there go those expectations again!).

i'm excited for the wedding though - i think it'll be fun. i have to make a toast and i'm pretty nervous about that. i always get nervous about little stuff. because really, this toast doesn't need to be perfect. it just needs to get the message across that catherine is my best friend, i am happy for her and i wish her and eddie the best....and everything else is just a side-note.


i really need to write more. writing doesn't come as easily now as it used to. it seems forced and it doesn't flow. practice, practice, practice.

"we're just a million little gods causing rainstorms,

turning every good thing to rust."