sometimes it takes a tragedy to make one realize how fortunate they are. a tragedy such as the earthquake that wreaked havoc in haiti. it is difficult to look at the photographs and videos of what haiti has become...
but we must look.
we must see the other side of the coin. we must open our eyes to the world and see what is really happening! people are dead. more people are dying. children have lost parents and are now alone in the world. people are starving. many people don't have houses or beds to rest in. haiti is not in good shape right now.
and here i sit on my laptop, in a warm house, wearing clean clothes, my stomach full and my body rested. what makes me so lucky? chance, i suppose. i could have been born to a family in haiti, and i could have been in haiti when that earthquake struck. and i could have been dead. but i got lucky, i guess. it is too easy to forget how fortunate we really are. people get so upset over little things without realizing how much worse off they could be.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
happy camper!
so, it seems like i write a lot of pessimistic stuff in this blog. if someone who didn't know me decided to read my blogs, they'd think i was some sort of a suicide-case or something. ha. that's not the case...at all. :] i am one happy camper...camping in the fucking woods of life. hahahaha. i have my warm sleeping bag, my fire-pit (& an ax for chopping wood for the fire), and a big comfortable tent. of course, sometimes it rains and everything gets all cold and soggy...and sometimes it gets so cloudy that i can't see the painting of stars above my head, and that makes me sad. but in the back of my mind, behind my weeping eyes, i know that i'll see the millions of twinkling stars again, if i give it another night or two. but the nights never get too dark, regardless. and usually, the morning comes quickly and i roll out of my sleeping bag, unzip my tent and let the fresh, cold air sting my warm skin. and i'm awake. and i live. and i'm happy. as happy as a camper could be.
i just tend to write during the long, starless nights.
i just tend to write during the long, starless nights.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
when it is not your place to speak, how do you go about speaking? must you hold your tongue? and for how long? how do you discover what you really want in life? and how do you prevent the urge to just sit there and cry and wish that the most perfect person in the world for you will burst through your door and wipe away your tears?
and for how long must we live in fairy tales?
when will reality be enough?
and when will i be able to consider myself grown? do i even want to consider myself grown? ...i guess that's the question i should be asking first.
self-discovery is difficult.
i'm so unsure of so many things.
and i want to shout it out to the world...but at the same time, i don't want to say a word to anyone.
[insert heavy sigh here]
i am happy. i promise. i just want more. i want more out of life. i want more out of everything.
no more blogs today...this is getting ridiculous.
and for how long must we live in fairy tales?
when will reality be enough?
and when will i be able to consider myself grown? do i even want to consider myself grown? ...i guess that's the question i should be asking first.
self-discovery is difficult.
i'm so unsure of so many things.
and i want to shout it out to the world...but at the same time, i don't want to say a word to anyone.
[insert heavy sigh here]
i am happy. i promise. i just want more. i want more out of life. i want more out of everything.
no more blogs today...this is getting ridiculous.
and sometimes i feel like crying,
because what might have been will never be.
it will always be a mystery.
it will always be a mystery.
i want to know it all!
tell me everything you thought you never could.
i want to know it all.
good and bad.
happy and sad.
things that will break my heart to bits,
and things that will spread my lips into the biggest smile you've ever seen.
i want to know it all.
and i want to tell you everything.
i don't want any hidden feelings or memories or thoughts or wishes.
i don't care who you are. i don't care if we barely talk, or if we talk every day.
i want to know it all.
please tell me.
i want to know it all.
good and bad.
happy and sad.
things that will break my heart to bits,
and things that will spread my lips into the biggest smile you've ever seen.
i want to know it all.
and i want to tell you everything.
i don't want any hidden feelings or memories or thoughts or wishes.
i don't care who you are. i don't care if we barely talk, or if we talk every day.
i want to know it all.
please tell me.
& the clock keeps on tickin'
"yes, i understand that every life must end..."
but i don't understand why some lives have to end on such an awful note. and i guess i don't understand why half of the stuff i've written in the last 2 years has been about scott. is this my way of coping? or am i stuck in a moment, two years ago, standing next to his hospital bed. "stuck in a moment that you can't get out of.." because i know that it still haunts me. in a few weeks, it will have been exactly two years since that day. february 13. the day before valentine's day. how horrible is that? my poor mom...it's like, "oh hey, happy valentine's day...sorry about your husbands' death."
and that's not even that bad, compared to what scott had to go through. how many times have i written about this? how many more times will i write about it in the future? and when will i be able to think about it without my whole mood completely changing? time heals all wounds? i'm really not so sure about that.
but i don't understand why some lives have to end on such an awful note. and i guess i don't understand why half of the stuff i've written in the last 2 years has been about scott. is this my way of coping? or am i stuck in a moment, two years ago, standing next to his hospital bed. "stuck in a moment that you can't get out of.." because i know that it still haunts me. in a few weeks, it will have been exactly two years since that day. february 13. the day before valentine's day. how horrible is that? my poor mom...it's like, "oh hey, happy valentine's day...sorry about your husbands' death."
and that's not even that bad, compared to what scott had to go through. how many times have i written about this? how many more times will i write about it in the future? and when will i be able to think about it without my whole mood completely changing? time heals all wounds? i'm really not so sure about that.
Monday, January 11, 2010
chopped liver?
i guess that'd be me.
i feel so left out. of everything. and you seem angry at me, and i don't understand why. i'm doing everything i can to help you. i've prepared games for your party. i spent my own money (which i don't have much of) on dumb clothes pins for a game that no one cares about...and then i spent my afternoon painting them pink for you.
i wasn't even invited to half the stuff the other bridesmaids went to...because i live two hours away, i guess? i don't know. but it really hurts my feelings. i'm your best friend...but you're not treating me like it. but here i am, bending over backwards to make you smile..because it's your time to shine, and i want that day, and every day leading up to it, to be special. i care about you. i just wish that i could be included a little bit more. i don't understand.
i feel so left out. of everything. and you seem angry at me, and i don't understand why. i'm doing everything i can to help you. i've prepared games for your party. i spent my own money (which i don't have much of) on dumb clothes pins for a game that no one cares about...and then i spent my afternoon painting them pink for you.
i wasn't even invited to half the stuff the other bridesmaids went to...because i live two hours away, i guess? i don't know. but it really hurts my feelings. i'm your best friend...but you're not treating me like it. but here i am, bending over backwards to make you smile..because it's your time to shine, and i want that day, and every day leading up to it, to be special. i care about you. i just wish that i could be included a little bit more. i don't understand.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
i miss you!
"The singer finished singing and she's walking out
The singer sheds a tear, fear of falling out
And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by, and I cried
It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone it's not the same
My worries weighed the world how I used to be
And everything (I'm cold) seems a plague in me
And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by, and I cried
It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone it's not the same
It's hard to say I held my tongue
It's hard to say if only
Since you've been gone it's not the same
Worse than the fear it's the lie you told a thousand times before
Worse than the fear it's the knife
And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by, and I cried
It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone it's not the same
It's hard to say I held my tongue
It's hard to say if only
Since you've been gone I'm not the same
It's hard to say that I was wrong
(God, it's hard to say)
It's hard to say that I miss you
(God, it's hard to say)
Since you've been gone
I'm not the same..."
-the used, "hard to say".
The singer sheds a tear, fear of falling out
And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by, and I cried
It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone it's not the same
My worries weighed the world how I used to be
And everything (I'm cold) seems a plague in me
And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by, and I cried
It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone it's not the same
It's hard to say I held my tongue
It's hard to say if only
Since you've been gone it's not the same
Worse than the fear it's the lie you told a thousand times before
Worse than the fear it's the knife
And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by, and I cried
It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone it's not the same
It's hard to say I held my tongue
It's hard to say if only
Since you've been gone I'm not the same
It's hard to say that I was wrong
(God, it's hard to say)
It's hard to say that I miss you
(God, it's hard to say)
Since you've been gone
I'm not the same..."
-the used, "hard to say".
"maybe there's a god above."
but maybe there's not.
maybe we're on this planet, in this universe, alone.
and when we die, there is nothingness.
it sounds a little off. but nothingness after death could actually be nice. you just die and then you rest. finally, you have no worries or sadness or pain. you don't have to miss anyone, and you don't have to watch your family live on after you're gone. you don't have to wait around until all your friends die and join you up in heaven, or hell, or wherever the fuck you are. you just go. plain and simple. maybe.
it would be nice to have a god too. it's always nice to have someone looking out for you. unless god is really the dick that he's made out to be. because if god says that all homosexuals and bastard children automatically go to hell, i'd rather have god not exist....just because that'd be so cruel.
i rant. i ramble. i have a point, but at the same time.. i don't have a point.
[[insert heavy sigh here]]
maybe we're on this planet, in this universe, alone.
and when we die, there is nothingness.
it sounds a little off. but nothingness after death could actually be nice. you just die and then you rest. finally, you have no worries or sadness or pain. you don't have to miss anyone, and you don't have to watch your family live on after you're gone. you don't have to wait around until all your friends die and join you up in heaven, or hell, or wherever the fuck you are. you just go. plain and simple. maybe.
it would be nice to have a god too. it's always nice to have someone looking out for you. unless god is really the dick that he's made out to be. because if god says that all homosexuals and bastard children automatically go to hell, i'd rather have god not exist....just because that'd be so cruel.
i rant. i ramble. i have a point, but at the same time.. i don't have a point.
[[insert heavy sigh here]]
a letter to a neighbor.
hey there,
you deserve better than this. you need better than this. i've seen your bruises. i've heard your sobs. i've seen the tears stream down your cheeks and drip off your chin onto your helpless, tired hands. but your hands...they aren't helpless,really. you just think that they are. my english teacher told me once, "you have steel in your bones. you might not feel it, but it's there. trust it." and just as i have steel in my bones, you have steel in yours. you are so much stronger than you make yourself out to be. you are stronger than he is. maybe not physically, but stronger still. he wanders around in his drunken stupor all day long, yelling, fighting, slamming things around, hiding from the rest of the world. and i see you often, sitting on the steps, petting your cats, reading a book..facing the world with a smile, even though you have so many reasons to just sit there and cry.
and though you have all those reasons to cry, you still have a choice. you don't have to be here. you don't have to be hit one more time. you don't have to give him another chance. you don't have to see the police show up on your doorstep again. you don't have to look in the mirror and see angry black bruises staring back at you. you don't have to. you shouldn't. i know that you can do better than this. you have one chance at life. don't ruin it for yourself, please. get another job and move out. find a cheap place to live and figure some stuff out.
what you have with him is not love. it is anger. it is hatred. it is false affection, followed by terrible, very real abuse. no one deserves that. not you, and not any other woman, man or child. get out now. please. i will do everything in my power to help you, really. but you must take the first step for yourself.
love yourself, even if he doesn't.
always,
your upstairs neighbor.
you deserve better than this. you need better than this. i've seen your bruises. i've heard your sobs. i've seen the tears stream down your cheeks and drip off your chin onto your helpless, tired hands. but your hands...they aren't helpless,really. you just think that they are. my english teacher told me once, "you have steel in your bones. you might not feel it, but it's there. trust it." and just as i have steel in my bones, you have steel in yours. you are so much stronger than you make yourself out to be. you are stronger than he is. maybe not physically, but stronger still. he wanders around in his drunken stupor all day long, yelling, fighting, slamming things around, hiding from the rest of the world. and i see you often, sitting on the steps, petting your cats, reading a book..facing the world with a smile, even though you have so many reasons to just sit there and cry.
and though you have all those reasons to cry, you still have a choice. you don't have to be here. you don't have to be hit one more time. you don't have to give him another chance. you don't have to see the police show up on your doorstep again. you don't have to look in the mirror and see angry black bruises staring back at you. you don't have to. you shouldn't. i know that you can do better than this. you have one chance at life. don't ruin it for yourself, please. get another job and move out. find a cheap place to live and figure some stuff out.
what you have with him is not love. it is anger. it is hatred. it is false affection, followed by terrible, very real abuse. no one deserves that. not you, and not any other woman, man or child. get out now. please. i will do everything in my power to help you, really. but you must take the first step for yourself.
love yourself, even if he doesn't.
always,
your upstairs neighbor.
top of the morning to ye.
mornings like this are pretty. waking up slowly to a clean room filled with light blue morning sunshine. staying in bed for a little while...sleeping with your boyfriend and cat...and electric blanket! so warm and cozy! then getting up, taking a shower, making a warm cup of tea...aahhhh..
then, it's time to go get a bagel & go to work.
good morning, earth. it's nice to see you again. it's nice to wake up.
we shouldn't take these things for granted.
then, it's time to go get a bagel & go to work.
good morning, earth. it's nice to see you again. it's nice to wake up.
we shouldn't take these things for granted.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
today, kurby said that my middle name is "awkward"
& kurby is right.
why do awkward situations follow me? hahaha i am an awkward-magnet...but i guess i'm cool with that. maybe all these "awkward" situations are really normal, and i just overreact and make them awkward for myself. maybe. my friends understand me though. and they understand my awkward situations. and with my friends, i can easily laugh at all those awkward situations i experience. and they make good stories, anyways.
so maybe it's some sort of blessing in disguise. what an odd blessing though.
i am misunderstood by most. but most people don't matter to me. i am understood by my friends, and i understand them. and we can be misunderstood together. that's how we roll. that's how we've always rolled. and if you don't like us, or if you think that we're weird, then don't listen to us. don't look at us. pretend we don't exist because it won't bother us one bit.
"when have you ever conformed to what other people in your age group were doing?" -kurby (about troubles i was having with a "friend")
well, kurby, i can't recall too many times. and that's alright with me. i might be different, and i might be a fuck up, but i am loved.
and life is okay (even though it's awkward sometimes) :]
why do awkward situations follow me? hahaha i am an awkward-magnet...but i guess i'm cool with that. maybe all these "awkward" situations are really normal, and i just overreact and make them awkward for myself. maybe. my friends understand me though. and they understand my awkward situations. and with my friends, i can easily laugh at all those awkward situations i experience. and they make good stories, anyways.
so maybe it's some sort of blessing in disguise. what an odd blessing though.
i am misunderstood by most. but most people don't matter to me. i am understood by my friends, and i understand them. and we can be misunderstood together. that's how we roll. that's how we've always rolled. and if you don't like us, or if you think that we're weird, then don't listen to us. don't look at us. pretend we don't exist because it won't bother us one bit.
"when have you ever conformed to what other people in your age group were doing?" -kurby (about troubles i was having with a "friend")
well, kurby, i can't recall too many times. and that's alright with me. i might be different, and i might be a fuck up, but i am loved.
and life is okay (even though it's awkward sometimes) :]
FUCK OFF, BARBIE.
i don't like fake people. fuck them. "oh hi, i am JUST like everyone else. yeah, i get shitfaced even though i don't particularly enjoy it...but everyone else does it, so it's obviously the thing to do, so of course i do it! hellooo? i spend a minimum of one hour in front of the mirror getting ready every morning so that my curls are just right & my eyes POP in just the right way. **giggle, giggle** i speak in lots of abbreviations and the clothes in my closet look just like all my friends' clothes. who cares about people who are different, anyways? they're soooo weird, omg."
GET THE FUCK OUT.
i'm done with clones. i'm done with people who make plans with you & ALWAYS cancel them at the last minute. if you don't want to hang out with me, don't make a plan with me in the first place. my feelings won't be hurt, i promise. it's just annoying to always get cancelled on.
I AM NOT PART OF YOUR CLICK. I AM OKAY WITH THAT. STOP TALKING TO ME. BECAUSE I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE. WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. HOLY SHIT. GOOD LUCK IN LIFE.
GET THE FUCK OUT.
i'm done with clones. i'm done with people who make plans with you & ALWAYS cancel them at the last minute. if you don't want to hang out with me, don't make a plan with me in the first place. my feelings won't be hurt, i promise. it's just annoying to always get cancelled on.
I AM NOT PART OF YOUR CLICK. I AM OKAY WITH THAT. STOP TALKING TO ME. BECAUSE I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE. WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. HOLY SHIT. GOOD LUCK IN LIFE.
Friday, January 1, 2010
happy new year!
i guess this is where i make a resolution that i may or may not keep. i'll do my best to keep my resolution past next week, because usually i forget about it in no time. but first, i have to think of one. i have a lot i can improve on, of course..but i need to take some baby steps to get the ball rolling.
i need to learn how to let go. let go of the past. let go of unnecessary stress. let go of worries for the future and just let it happen. just let go...because once i let go of any toxic shit in my life, a big burden will be lifted off of my shoulders. why should you walk around your entire life carrying extra baggage and having bad feelings weigh you down. how will you learn to run in life if all those heavy emotions are pushing down on you, making you move at a slow crawl? so,that's definitely one. i need to mend (or maybe even end) some friendships this year.
i need to do what i want to do! NOT what everyone else wants me to do. i shouldn't give a shit about what certain family members or friends think about me. because this is my life to live, not theres. they can judge their own lifes and leave me to judge mine. because if i'm not harming myself or someone else, it's okay. i make mistakes..but that's how you learn. and i need to do what i want to do and be true to myself so that i will never regret wasting my youth.it's a preventative measure, you see. when you're young, you're supposed to fuck up a little bit...and sometimes,you have to fuck up big time. and that's how you learn and grow. and then you can be an adult, and you can be wise. wise from experience, not just from word of mouth. this year, i'm gonna do me 100%. the people who really love and appreciate me will continue to do so, and they will be happy for me. this year, i will weed out untrue friends.
and on a less heavy note, i'd like to learn how to sing a little better. just because! :]
LET'S GO, 2010. i am ready for some change.
i need to learn how to let go. let go of the past. let go of unnecessary stress. let go of worries for the future and just let it happen. just let go...because once i let go of any toxic shit in my life, a big burden will be lifted off of my shoulders. why should you walk around your entire life carrying extra baggage and having bad feelings weigh you down. how will you learn to run in life if all those heavy emotions are pushing down on you, making you move at a slow crawl? so,that's definitely one. i need to mend (or maybe even end) some friendships this year.
i need to do what i want to do! NOT what everyone else wants me to do. i shouldn't give a shit about what certain family members or friends think about me. because this is my life to live, not theres. they can judge their own lifes and leave me to judge mine. because if i'm not harming myself or someone else, it's okay. i make mistakes..but that's how you learn. and i need to do what i want to do and be true to myself so that i will never regret wasting my youth.it's a preventative measure, you see. when you're young, you're supposed to fuck up a little bit...and sometimes,you have to fuck up big time. and that's how you learn and grow. and then you can be an adult, and you can be wise. wise from experience, not just from word of mouth. this year, i'm gonna do me 100%. the people who really love and appreciate me will continue to do so, and they will be happy for me. this year, i will weed out untrue friends.
and on a less heavy note, i'd like to learn how to sing a little better. just because! :]
LET'S GO, 2010. i am ready for some change.
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