i don't have very many friends. i think i'm too awkward.

i really wish that i could go over to someones house and talk to them and just hang out. i have so much in common with so many people but everyone always seems to be on such different schedules.

if anyone is reading this and thinking the same things about themselves..maybe we should hang out.

early in the morning
as my heels hit the pavement,
the icy wind blows leaves across the sky,
and my hair across my eyes.
and the leaves are yellow,red,and green
but in the dark, they can't be seen.
only tiny silhouettes, floating by
shadows dance down the street
and i hear nothing but my own feet.

the town is sleeping, warm in their beds
while i march down the sidewalk, hood on my head
traffic lights flash but there are no cars to be stopped
the fog sinks down to every roof top.

and i think of you, warm and at rest
and i wish i could be home too, snuggled up to your chest.
but i'll come home soon,
four and a half hours past noon
and my heels will hit the pavement fast and hard,
until i'm at home, back in your arms.

in four days, it will be a new year. now is the time for making promises to yourself that you may or may not keep, depending on your level of dedication. i hardly ever keep my new years resolutions. for 2011, my resolutions are to live a healthy life and to go on more adventures. i should be able to keep those since they're so easy.

2010 was a pretty good year, although it was uneventful. at one point, i worked two jobs at the same time - three days a week (monday, wednesday and friday) were spent in Alameda City Hall's City Attorney's Office, where i was always stressed out of my mind and hating life. The other two days (tuesday and thursday) were spent at The Law Offices of Matthew Duncan, sitting behind a big desk listening to jazz and greeting clients. then i got my job at the Alameda Police Department, in the Records division and quit the other two jobs. I'm really happy here at the Police Department. every day is different and there are always interesting topics at hand. most days, you can hear loud conversations and laughter floating down the hallway and echoing off of the plain white walls. it's almost like a family here - everyone sort of looks out for eachother.

after i got my job at the police department, i started paying my rent with my dad's help. i pay $500, he pays $350. this takes a huge chunk of money out of each paycheck i get. i am, in a way, grateful to be so broke most of the time. having no money is beneficial to growing up, i think. it makes you use your head - you must think of ways to make more money outside of your job, you must budget very wisely, you must have fun without spending any money (sometimes this means no movies, no dinners out,no driving to your destination,no starbucks, etc). It sounds absolutely dreadful, but you start to value what you have when you don't have much. and to be honest, i can easily do without cable television,brand new clothes and fancy dinners. it only means that when you do get to spend a little money on yourself, it's really exciting and fun. it's all worth it. of course, i'd love to have more money in my pocket and maybe my income will increase in the new year, but we'll have to see. i'd really love to be able to pay for everything myself and not have to have my parents help me out all the time.

my babysitting business grew a lot this year. i used to have only one client, now i have about eight clients. i used to babysit twin girls but they frustrated me so much that i had to start declining jobs with them. other than that one family, i love every family i babysit for. the kids are so much fun to play with and most of the time, they hardly give me any trouble at all. it's amazing sometimes because i'll be sitting there planning out my budget and thinking, "goddamn, how am i going to afford food?" and then my cell phone will ring and i'll have a babysitting job. it really is a life saver sometimes.

catherine got married in february of this year. it was strange to see my best friend walking down the aisle. to think that we used to sit around all day watching rapunzel and pigging out on doritos and top ramen and running around our houses with such innocence and now we're all grown up. i'm happy i have her..we understand eachother like no one else in the world ever could.

in march, michael and i had our 4th anniversary. i still love him more than anything. in 2011, i hope that we can do more stuff outdoors..i want to take him horseback riding and i want to go hiking more, and maybe even go camping.

what else happened in 2010? i can't remember it all. this year went by so quickly.

the years seem to fly.

it is so cold in my apartment! i have to wear socks, a big sweater and sweats at all times or else i think i might actually freeze. brr!
times like these, i always tend to think of people who don't have a warm house and blankets to snuggle up in. i feel sad for them because i can hardly imagine what they have to deal with on nights like these. when i see a homeless person, i feel like going home and getting an extra blanket of mine and giving it to them..but maybe if i did that, i'd end up offending them. i don't like to see people in bad situations.

"& now it seems like i have found

nothing at all."

the night sits heavily upon my shoulders
dark clouds where my thoughts should be,
raindrops roll down my cheeks.
the thunder rolls through my body
and i shake
and i shiver
the lightning strikes and the flash reveals the truth hidden in the dark.
and the lightning scares me, so i run and i want to hide.


but there is nothing but open space on top of my bed.

omg christmas is in like...3 months. 90 something days? YES.
when i see things i want but cannot buy for myself, i say "i want that for christmas." but i forget to write it down/ask for it, so i never get it. so while a few things are fresh in my mind, i'm going to write them here...just so i can't lose the paper that they'd be on otherwise. lol. basically, this is a note to self. so...yeeeeah

-new digital camera
-pedometer
-exercise ball (a big, soft one to balance on instead of a chair)
-gift cards: safeway, trader joes, forever21, any gas station...

yeah, i don't know. i'd much rather get something useful that i'll actually use & like instead of some fuzzy sweater that i'll end up donating to goodwill.
i'll add more. i'm sure of it. looooool

even glue starts to peel away.

why is it so hard to let go?
holding on to memories alone
i know and you know
but you let go and i am torn.
how many times has this happened?
your life is stuck on repeat and you,
you never learn, do you?
and you shut your door in my face
slamming my fingers in the cracks.
how much longer will this go on?
i keep trying to reach out,
reach you.
and you keep moving away.
further and farther away.
i told you that i was here to stay
but i don't think i can promise you that anymore.
i can only do so much.
you can only help yourself
but you won't.
and i can't.
no one can, it seems.

the image of you
lying on your bed, feeling hopeless
haunts my head.
and i keep turning it away
because it is no longer my problem, but yours.

i wish you the best.
nothing less.
here you are at rock bottom
can you sink any lower?

i do hope you know how to swim.
because your life rafts have been deflated.
and you are on your own in this deep, endless ocean.

love at sunset

sunsets and piano keys
lights bleeding through tree leaves
bare feet, hair down
currents in the river,
up and over and under.
slight breeze.
brief kiss.
weak knees.

quiet town,
with no one else around.
orange to dusty blue to black,
with clouds under you and
nothing but sky above.

wish for rain

we are flowers growing in a garden
reaching for the sun
but stuck in the dirt.
wishing for rain
on hot summer days
our petals fade and shrivel,
we curl into ourselves.











will we ever reach the sun?

for you!

with everything i can hold in my hands
and everything i hold in my heart,
& the light that shines from your eyes,
i knew from the start.

and with the tips of my fingers
on the top of your head,
and my feet planted firmly in this soil,
i know
and you do too,
that i would do anything,
anything,
anything!
for you.

sheets of paper

my future is made out of blank sheets of paper.
in my right hand, i hold a pen.
with my blank ink, i write out my own future.
and i draw beautiful images,
dreams in vivid color,
with the hope that maybe, some day, the images will jump off the paper
and into reality.
and my words, written carefully on the white sheets,
are only words, perhaps, for now.
but if i write these words enough times,
over and
over and
over again,
maybe they too will jump off the page.
but who's to know?
everyone in the world has a pen
and they too draw on your white pages.
sometimes they come and white-out your words,
with or without your permission,
and there's nothing you can do about it,
except maybe re-write it all.
sometimes a gust of wind will sweep your papers up and carry them far away.

you can chase them.

or you can watch them float in the air until they sink into a gutter,
crumpled and unreadable.
life is full of choices,
the future is never set in stone.

get a girl with far away eyes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVEdYYMlOJ4&feature=related

you can try to hold back all you want
lips locked
fists clenched
eyes shut
you think you're a shut door - locked.
but i have the key.
and i can see through all of your windows.

there's no use in hiding behind false words.
there's no use in pretending.

open your eyes,
unclench your fists,
open your damn mouth
and realize.
accept, for once, the situation that you are in.
and deal with it.

because i know
and you know
what is right here

i remember.

i remember being a small child.

for a long time, i couldn't see out of car windows. i would struggle in my car seat to catch a glimpse, but i could only see the tops of trees passing by.

my brothers and i weren't allowed to eat junk food too often, but we did get mcdonalds every once in a while. i remember one time, my brother michael ate his entire cheeseburger before we even left the drive-thru.

i always had my own room, but i preferred to sleep with my mommy. i'd cuddle up right next to her and press my cold feet against her warm legs and she'd always hold me close. in the morning, she'd stretch her arms out and squeak, "oohh-mee-mee-mee-mee!" and it always made me laugh. i always thought that my mom was the prettiest woman in the whole world.

when i was about four or five years old, i had a really bad bladder infection. i remember crying all night and my parents talking about calling the doctor even though it was so late. my mom had to take me in to get treated and it was the scariest thing ever to me. one day i was feeling so terrible and my dad came home from work and gave me m&ms and glow-in-the-dark stars to put on my ceiling. for a long time after that, i would always want to eat m&ms when i was sick because it reminded me of how happy my dad had made me that day.

i dropped out of preschool because i didn't like taking naps. then i went to kindergarten and on the first day of school, i cried because my mom dropped me off at my classroom and i didn't want her to leave. almost every day that year, a fat boy named dakota would push me into the toy box and one of my best friends was a boy named indigo who had two mommies and no daddy. all of the kids in my class teased him about it, but both of his mommies were really nice so i thought it was okay.
when i went to that school, my classroom was connected to my brother charlie's classroom. you could look through a doorway and see into the other class. whenever i felt sad or frustrated, i would spy into charlie's class and find where he was sitting and just looking at my big brother would make me feel better.
my mom would pick me up every day at lunch time and i would always have a tuna sandwich and milk. on special days, i'd get pintos and cheese from taco bell.

when we moved to the country-side, i slept in what was the laundry room and the front entrance to the house. i was always scared at night because i was sure that a criminal would bust open the front door and steal me in the middle of the night. i always had irrational fears, i suppose.
we had horses. i'd feed them apples after school and i'd ride them on warm evenings. we'd ride down the street and around by the canal. one of the horses had a baby and i named it daisy. when daisy was still a baby, she accidently strangled herself on the fence. i remember being devastated.

i have a lot of fond memories of patterson. i went to my best friend catherine's house in the mornings before school. catherine and i would always want to be with each other - we'd watch rapunzel over and over, play with hula hoops and listen to the backstreet boys. we were best friends since the very beginning.

my brothers and i would ride our bikes up and down the street. sometimes we even rode in the rain, making figure eights through puddles.

in the summer time, i would sit on the warm sidewalk and drink jarritos.

sometimes we'd go to my grammy and grandpa's house. their kitchen always smelled like freshly brewed tea. my grammy had a room full of porcelain dolls and i always liked to look at them and gently touch the curls in their hair.

i took a few dance classes - irish, tap and ballet. one afternoon during tap class, i was gazing out of the windows of the dance studio and my instructor chanted, "one, two, three, four, rosie pay attention!"
one evening at irish dance class, i was partnered up with a boy who had a snotty nose. he wiped his snot with his bare hand and then held the same hand out to me so we could do our partner dance. i ran to my mom and begged her to let me leave early because i didn't want to touch him. in the end, i had to shut up and dance with snot-boy.

and getting older...

i went to lake berryessa every weekend. my family always tried to get me to water ski or go tubing behind the big blue boat but i always refused. i was afraid of fish.
one time, i worked up some courage and agreed to try to water ski. i got into the water and started strapping my feet into the skis and i grabbed the rope and bent my knees up, waiting for the boat engine to start up and take me on a ride. then my brothers started shouting, "oh my god, rosie! a huuuge fish just jumped out of the water behind you! i bet it's swimming under you right now! oh yeah, i see it! it's right behind you!" so i screamed and made my way back onto the boat as quickly as possible only to find out that my brothers were just messing with me and there was no fish near me.

summers were always so long. i would put ice cubes on my head and let them melt through my hair and drip down my neck. i tried to make a friend in my new neighborhood in hayward - it was a girl named meredith, i think. i went to her house once and the first thing she did was show me her garage. then she told me that when she was a baby, her mother killed herself in the garage. after that, i decided that i wasn't going back to meredith's house but she could come to mine whenever she wanted.

when i was in fifth grade, my uncle john passed away from cancer. one day when he was feeling really nauseous and sick from his chemotherapy, he told me and my brothers, "if i ever catch any of you smoking a cigarette, i will personally kill you before the cigarette can." he said that if he died first, he'd come back and haunt us. my uncle john was a strict man but i loved him very much. i was at his house the day he passed away and i was able to speak to him just moments before he passed. later that day, i was with my dad and we saw a coyote walking down a hill in the distance. at that moment, i felt in my heart that my uncle john was that coyote - it had to be some sort of sign. it was just so strange how the coyote stopped and stared back in our direction for a moment before it continued walking.

the next year i started middle school. i met some of my best friends at saint barnabas and i learned a lot about myself. mostly, i learned that other people's opinions about me didn't really matter.
right before i graduated eighth grade, a teacher told me that i was going to do poorly in high school and that i'd never succeed because i never took anything seriously. i laughed in her face because i knew that i could achieve anything i wanted to and that she was wrong.

and then, high school...
but that's a whole different story.

I ENJOY HIM.

another day, another dollar!

it's payday! i'm happy!

"the world is everlasting

..it's coming and it gooooing"

"i'll be okay...is that what you want me to say?"

i will no longer allow negative people to be in my life.
and i mean it this time.

there are certain people who have pushed my emotions, trust and patience to the limit. those people are not nice. they are not good people. and if they are reading this (which i highly doubt), they know who they are...because they'll feel guilty even if i don't say their name(s). here is a warning to those people : you get one more chance. just one more. start being a better person or get the hell out. because i'm done playing your games - they're bullshit. i may be only nineteen, but i know what's right and wrong and i know that you suck the life out of everyone around you. so stop.

i appreciate all the positive people in my life.
and i mean that too.

goddamn.

for michael johnson

each rise and fall of your chest
your dark brown eyes
your nose! (i love it, even if you don't)
your strong hands, long fingers
you can make anything.
you can fix everything.
the curl of your hair
the sound of your laugh,
the songs you sing.
your creativity.

you are the most beautiful man
an inspiration
my motivation
my foundation.

simply put : i love you more than anything.

bonjour

i'd really love to go on a vacation to france.

i think i'd like to go there for a honeymoon some day. and travel around with the one i love.
and wake up and run out of our hotel room and see the eiffel tower!
and the louvre!
and eat baguettes and croissants and drink tea at a cafe.
and go shopping in all of the fancy stores - we'd stuff all of our new clothes into our luggage.
and we'd watch the sun set. and rise.

siiiiiigh.

that won't be any time soon, but doesn't it sound lovely?

wishlist

* gray tom's shoes
* a nice ass camera...i'm not sure exactly what kind yet
* a laptop that doesn't freak out all the time

well, actually..that's about it.

oh, and i'd really love it if my hair got long again...soon.

"the night time does the same thing to me. too many thoughts running through my head, i find myself getting so depressed - so quickly. it’s tough to break out of it, it really is. the best way to deal with it- is just to feel it… no matter how much it may hurt. then… apply to life. remember, you always feel your best the moment after you’ve cried."
-craig owens

raaaaant!

i run from things. and that's really really bad. and it's not even intentional most of the time. i just do it without realizing...

i get a bill in the mail. i check my bank balance - i'm broke..still. no surprise there. i say to myself, "okay, i'll pay this as soon as i get my paycheck!" and i put the bill in a safe place. and i forget about it until almost the last minute...but i could have taken care of it so much sooner.

it's just that it is so so so SO hard to pay bills sometimes. most times. well, let's be real...all the time. i get my paycheck and then i spend most of it on groceries. about thirty dollars of it on gas. then i pay for my cell phone, internet and gym membership. and then i'll have about ten or fifteen dollars to last me until my next paycheck. thankfully, with my new job, i'll be getting more hours. more money. but unfortunately, i'll be spending that money on another (much bigger) bill : my rent.

i work my ass off, you know. i wake up at 5:45 in the morning to go to work and i don't get to relax until 5:00 in the evening. i work so hard to pay bills. i have no extra money to get a new pair of jeans (or even a new pair of work pants). i have no extra money to buy some nice smelling perfume (even though i've been wanting a nice bottle for the longest time). i have no extra money to do fun things, have fun things, go fun places...nothing. i wake up. i go to work. i come home. i eat dinner. i go on the computer/watch a movie. i go to sleep. and then i babysit on the weekends to get extra cash. i am nineteen years old. i bet you can't tell me the names of other people my age who work as hard as i do. i can count the number of people i know who do on one hand & four of those fingers would have no purpose.

i feel like the only one.

BUT! don't get it completely twisted. i enjoy going to work most days - i have a fantastic job that i love. i enjoy having freedom & being able to call myself an adult. i enjoy the feeling of depositing my paychecks - it's the best feeling! and i am incredibly grateful for everything that i have - responsibilities included. because i asked for this. i begged and argued for this. because i could have lived with one of my parents for free. because i didn't have to apply myself and push myself. i am proud of everything that i've accomplished. i can honestly say that i am an adult. i am no longer financially supported by my parents (although they do help me sometimes). i have no curfew. i live with my boyfriend. if i want to eat ice cream for dinner, i do it. and i deserve it. i really really do.

i just need to work on a few areas in my personal life:

*stop running away from things that are intimidating/inconvenient.
*go out and have fun! be nineteen! act nineteen!
*write more...i've become so rusty.

hero

who is my hero? i have a few.
my family, of course
but that, you already knew.
my friends, yes
they are always perfect, and never anything less.
i have strong people in my life.
successful people.
happy people.
old people.
young people.
all of them are heroes to me, in some form.
the soldiers, police men and firemen, everyone dressed in uniforms.
and then,

there's me.
i am my own hero,
and that's how it has to be.
the world gets cold sometimes, you know
and people aren't always there.
sometimes people stab knives into your spine, you see
and sometimes they break your heart.
and when they do, i can always count on me
i can pick myself up, brush myself off and restart.

i am my own hero. and i am proud of myself.

SV

my friend,
i know that you feel helpless, lost and alone in the world. i know that every day is a struggle for you. i know that you want to be better. you want everything to be better. i know that you are in a very dark place right now and you have been for quite a while. i'd like to shine some light on a few things for you.

we don't talk as often as we used to. at one point, i considered you to be one of my best friends. we went in different directions a while back and although we still talk and we're still friendly, it's not the same. the distance is there and it's a little bit awkward. but please know that i have not given up on you or our friendship. things have just changed, and things can always get better.things will get better, i promise.

i don't know about everything in your personal life. i actually know very little. and from the little that i know, i can see that you're not in a great place. i'd like to help you, but i'm not sure how to. i hope that you read this.

you don't need drugs. please stop using them. they aren't doing anything good for you - they are doing exactly the opposite. the drugs turn you into a different person. they turn you into a person who is quiet and moody. they steal your fantastic personality and make you lifeless. if you need help quitting, and i really hope you consider it, please let me know. i will do anything to help you...as i said in a previous letter to you, "ashes to ashes, we all fall down. but i'm willing to help you back up again, and so is everyone else." i meant that. maybe that's weird coming from me...i don't know...but you're important to me.

when i was a junior in high school, my stepdad died and the worst year of my life followed his death. during that time, i was really depressed all the time. at one point, i felt like i had completely lost control over my life, my emotions, my everything. i felt like i had run into a brick wall and got stuck there...no place to hide, no place to run. i sent mr. riley an e-mail asking him for help and in his reply he told me, "you have steel in your bones. you might not feel it, but it's there. trust it." and just like i have steel in my bones, you have steel in yours. you have to trust that. you are stronger than you realize. no matter what it is that's bothering you at this time in your life, you can overcome it. and you will.

dark nights can be scary. dark times in your life can be scarier. when it's dark for you, look around and you'll see how many friends you have who are willing to help you. consider all of those friends to be night lights - we'll make the dark times a little bit brighter. you know where i live and the door is always open for you. maybe you'll read this...maybe you won't. i really hope that you do.

always,
me.

sand castles

sand scrapes our knees
and hides under our nails.
we dig deep into the earth,
no shovel. no pail.
just our skin, left to our own devices.
the sun beats down,
turning my pale skin pink.
turning your skin a beautiful red-brown.
deeper.
deeper.
deeper.
and the water rushes in to flood the hole we've made.
we're battling with the earth,
and what's the use?
as soon as we step off of the sand and onto the pavement,
the ocean will wash away the castles we've made,
and fill in the holes that we've dug.

we know this.
and we keep digging.
and we pile sand on top of sand
and shape those piles into tall castles surrounded by moats.
and it's perfect!
it's magnificent!
for a moment, we are both five years old and we don't care how dirty and wet we've become.
for a moment, we have nothing on our minds but the pretty waves that fill our moats
and the lovely wet sand castles that harden in the sun.

and when it's time to leave, and we walk away from the setting sun,
we turn around and see
the small children stomping all over our creation
and we
laugh.

so apparently a spider was chilling on my leg at some point yesterday and decided to brutally attack me? i have five different spider bites on my left knee. and they all hurt really bad. and they all itch...really bad. and i want to go home (again, really bad).

i'm looking forward to next tuesday! gene (a lawyer i work with) is going to sing me a song! yaaaay i'll put it on youtube hahaha

i try my best. i get out of bed every morning and let the light into my bedroom. i get ready for work, and then i bike or walk there. i work. work. work. work. work. and then i get to go home. and sometimes, i come home and collapse on the bed for a while. sometimes i come home and eat right away. sometimes i clean. sometimes i go to the gym. it all depends. and now it's the summer time and it's beautiful outside. today at work, i spent about five minutes just looking out the second story window. looking at the small and boring streets of alameda. but the streets really aren't so boring. they're full of all sorts of people. people from all over the bay area and all over california and all over the world. and to me, they don't even have a name...just a face. but to someone else, they are everything. to me, the girl with the brown hair waiting for the bus is just that...just a girl. but to someone else, maybe she is the reason for their existence. and the streets are full of people like that. and i don't know most of them.

oh jeez, look at me rambling. what did i just say anyway?



i'm going to michael's show tonight. a contorted smile is playing at roosters roadhouse for the millionth time. :]

i feel guilty. so so so guilty.

and nervous.

and nerves. nerves can kill. they seep into your bloodstream and cut the life out of every single organ in your body.

i mean, i'm doing nothing wrong. it's just... well, it's just bad timing. and it's out of my hands. but still, i feel like shit about it. and i want to put it off, but at the same time i just want to get it over with.

i have to do this.
i can do this.

holy shit.

"you are everything i want because you are everything i'm not."

i'm nineteen, right? please tell me that i'm still nineteen. i mean, my nineteenth birthday was just at the end of last month.
i heard the thoughts in my mind this morning and they weren't the thoughts of a nineteen year old.
i looked at the pleated black dress and low heels in my closet and they don't look like the clothes of a nineteen year old.
i looked at the pile of bills and dmv paperwork stacked on top of my microwave and it didn't seem like that pile should belong to a nineteen year old.

my mom says that she's proud of me. she thinks that it's a good thing that i'm living in my own apartment, buying my own groceries and paying my own bills. she thinks i'm more responsible than my peers.

i guess you could say that. i have a ton of responsibility. but one thing that many of my peers have that i don't is freedom. i chose this for myself though. i wanted this! and you know what, i have no regrets. moving into my apartment with michael two weeks before graduation was one of the best decisions i've ever made! it's great! really. because if it wasn't great, i wouldn't still be living here. i would have crawled back to my mom's house. but i didn't. i am an adult. and i can come and go as i please.

but here's the catch - i don't come and go as i please. and i should. i need to. i will start.

i won't let this summer pass by me. it's time to live. as always, the time is now.
being an adult can wait.

hey wednesday!

YOU SUCK.

you're even worse than mondays.

another long day

the days keep getting longer. i wake up earlier, i stay up later. and all through out, i rest only momentarily.

going.
going.
going.


not gone. yet.

"youth is wasted on the young."

well, i guess. but when i compare myself to other people my age, it seems like they're doing a fine job of being young. it's just that, i'm not. youth is wasted on me. i'm so busy all of the time and so much is happening around me and there are so many people to please. so many things. at some point in your life, you must learn the value of a dollar. and that's a hard lesson to learn. it goes like this...you get your paycheck. go grocery shopping. get gas. pay bills. sudden realization that, "oh shit! i just got my paycheck yesterday and i'm already broke again." you gotta find a way though. unless you want to just kick it out on the street and stuff.

i'm going to work again todaaay. and then after, aunt michelle and uncle shaun's house to work on michael's resume some. and then after that, the gym. and then after that, sleeping. wake up. repeat!

repetition! repetition!

spontaneity is what i prefer. spontaneity is what i crave.


and here i sit, cozy in my jammies on a beautiful morning in a warm, clean house.
and there my work clothes sit, folded neatly into squares, shirt stacked on top of pants, jewelry lying on top of shirt.
i wish i could put those clothes back in the drawers they belong in, and put myself back in the bed i belong in.



it's just another long day.

rescue boats

sometimes i feel like i'm stuck in the middle of the ocean and i don't know how to swim.
the waves continuously crash over me and push me deeper down. so deep that i can't see anything. so deep that my head feels like it might explode from all the pressure.
and sometimes, i remember how to swim and i swim as fast as i can to the surface and try to find the shore. it's usually pretty hard to find, but every once in a while, i can see some land. and so i swim towards the land. sometimes i get close.


but it never fails.
the waves always come back.
and i always sink back under.


whatever happened to rescue boats?

t minus 3 days

until we leave for disneyland.

michael and i house-sit for uncle shaun and aunt michelle this weekend. i always like house-sitting for people...it's fun to live in someone elses' house for a few days. then when you go back to your own house, you appreciate it a little bit more.


i wish catherine lived in the bay area. we went to berkeley together the other day and it was great. nothing like walking amongst the certifiably insane and hardcore homeless with your best friend.

oh, and kurby went to a psychic yesterday & the psychic told her that i am a good friend to keep around and that she shouldn't let me go. maybe all psychics aren't full of BS. she also told kurby that she is going to die when she's 98, she needs work to her full potential in school and she should do yoga. i wouldn't want to know when i'm going to die. if i were kurby, i'd have one kick ass birthday party when i turn 98. i'd go out in style :D

also, i want to write a formal essay. is that strange? i think it is. i need a good topic to write on! i don't think anyone reads my blogs anymore...but, dearest stranger, if you happen to be reading this...leave me a comment with an essay topic? ha....awkward. :D

excitement!

i get to go to disneyland for my birthday! it's an (almost) all expenses paid trip, courtesy of my mom & her boyfriend ron. all i have to pay for is my food and spending money, BUT my aunt michelle and uncle shaun are having michael and i house sit the weekend right before we go, so that'll be some good money in my pocket that i can spend at disneyland. :) we're going to eat mostly junky/cheap food outside of the park in order to save money, BUT i really want to eat at this restaurant in the park on my actual birthday. i think the restaurant is called the "blue bayou" and it's located right next to the pirates of the caribbean ride & when you're at your table, you can see the people riding by in their little ships on the ride. plus, it's supposed to be some really delicious cajun food, so i'm down!

we have three day park hopper passes. and we're staying at a nice hotel that isn't owned by disney, but it's apparently just about a twenty minute walk away from the disneyland park, so it's all good! i'm excited about the trip, so i'm trying to stay really busy in the mean time. the busier i am, the faster the time will fly and i won't be so focused on the trip. so i'm trying to get some more babysitting jobs and hang out with friends on the weekends. like, on weekend (probably the 18th), i'm planning on going to san francisco with catherine! i think that'd be really fun. maybe we could grab some lunch out there...and watch some sea lions and crazy homeless people too. i really enjoy hanging out with catherine. she's one of my only friends who i am completely comfortable with. we can let loose and have a great time without judging one another. it's great. she's my best friend for a very good reason.

i guess that's all for now. over aaaaand out :)

wtf, easter?

easter sucked this year. well, the first half of it did anyway.
my mom's boyfriend was being a douche and i called him out on it. his daughter told me i'm not allowed to speak to her father again and then both of his kids deleted me off of facebook. i guess i won't be going to their house for thanksgiving dinner! ;)

oh, and i went to my nana's house too. that was a rich slice of awful. there were a ton of people there.mostly relatives from my aunt caroline’s side of the family – her kids and such. we were originally going to eat outside but it was freezing cold and about to rain, so everyone ate inside instead. Michael and I mostly just sat on the couch with my aunt michelle. we didn’t know too many people there. and then my nana started passing out everyone’s easter baskets. these baskets were big and pretty and full of eggs, candies and wrapped presents. I didn’t get one. neither did Michael. but know what’s funny? there was this one guy there and my nana didn’t even know his name…HE got a basket full of presents. it’s like, “oh hey, yeah…I’m your grandchild. this guy sitting next to me isn’t some random black guy I picked up off the sidewalk on my way here…I’ve been going out with him for over four years now. oh, but no matter – please continue to act as if we don’t exist. we’ll just be here, on your couch.” so that was awkward. and then the easter egg hunt! it’s really hard to get a lot of eggs in your basket when your basket doesn’t exist. so collectively, Michael and I got 9 eggs. every plastic egg has a dollar in it. so we walked out with 9 dollars, while mostly every adult and 12 year old child walked out with at least 20 dollars. it’s funny how the broker you are, the less people give a shit. but it’s all good – my aunt michelle felt terrible for us and donated 6 eggs hahaha. but really, easter isn’t about money or baskets or thoughtful gifts. it’s about jesus being a zombie and coming out of his tomb and what not. families come together to be with each other…not collect material items. that being said, I ended the day on a really nice note…by going to Michael’s grandma’s house. his whole family was there and it was really great. we watched the blind side and ate delicious food and talked and laughed. there were no easter baskets or eggs. the only time money came into play was when everyone donated a few dollars so that we could buy a cake for dessert – and that cake was sooo good. I’m really comfortable around michael’s family. it’s a shame that I can’t be that comfortable with my own family. but my family is different. you can’t relax at anyone’s house, aside from my uncle and aunt’s. people are fake. it kills me that 95% of people in my family act as though Michael doesn’t exist…or act like he’s just another boy in my life, as if I’m always bringing home another or something. if I treated anyone else’s husband or wife like how they treat Michael, I’d be called rude and I’d get in trouble. but I digress. my point is this – although this easter was probably the worst in my life, it was also one of the best. it was one of the best because this easter, I realized that when people treat you like you don’t exist, or like you don’t matter, you don’t owe them anything. next easter, I won’t be going to my nana’s house.

childhood is over-rated. when you’re an adult, you don’t have to put up with bullshit. you have the power to walk away.

for jayden!

little baby, in my arms.
how lucky you are!
to wake up and be held - warm and safe.
put on your socks, tickle your tummy, get ready for the day.
you're so beautiful,
innocent and young.
the whole world is new to you,
you know of no hate. you only know what is true :
and that is, how much everyone loves you.

and your eyes.
round brown eyes,
long lashes.

and your dimples.
the way you scrunch up your face in laughter.
the way the world and everything in it fascinates you.

my nephew.
i love you, little one.

no need to say goodbye

i'll come back when you call me, no need to say goodbye.
just because everything is changing doesn't mean it's never been this way before.
all you can do is try to know who your friends are as you head off to the war.
pick a star on the dark horizon & follow the light.
you'll come back when it's over, no need to say goodbye.
you'll come back when it's over, no need to say goodbye.







let your memories grow stronger and stronger, until they're before your eyes.
you'll come back when they call you.

no need to say goodbye.






credit : regina spektor, "the call"

again

and again, and again, and again!

life on repeat.


press the shuffle button. i need something new.

grocery list!

my grocery list :

1 cucumber
lettuce
cheese
beans
apples
2 lemons
carrots
5 tomatoes
broccoli
cauliflower
asparagus
1 sunchoke root
2 onions
habanero peppers
2 limes
cilantro
garlic
tortilla chips

i have to go the doctor tomorrow because i might have a thyroid problem. hypothyroidism, i think it's called. so i have to go take a blood test and all that good stuff. hopefully they can figure out why i'm gaining weight like crazy all of a sudden. gah. i will ride my bike to dan's produce, and then home. then i will make the healthiest dinner of all time. :]

breh!

it's friday! get juiced :]

my mind and my brain.

my dreams repeat every night. i've been having the same dream for about a week now, and i wake up each morning feeling a little bit empty, a little bit sad, but still a little bit hopeful.

my dream? in it, you are there and we are happy. in it, everything is as new and as fresh as the first day of spring and as warm and soft as the middle of the summer. and when i wake, it is a chilly winter day again. it's so strange. and it makes me wonder why this same dream is stuck on repeat in my mind. what am i trying to tell myself?

a mind and a brain are two different things. a mind wanders, creates, dreams, explores, imagines...a brain commands. and my mind is trying to alert my brain of something...trying to get a point across, so that my brain can make a change. i just need to interpret the message.

maybe tonight i'll dream a different dream. and if it is the same dream again, maybe tonight i will figure it out.

my friend,

i am happy that you are just that - my friend. i am proud of you for standing up for what is right. i know that doing so is not always easy - but i know that doing so is always worth it. i think that you are an amazing person and i am very happy to have you in my life. for a while, i missed you a lot because i hardly ever saw you! let's not let that happen again. :]

you're pretty freakin' amazing.

"they'll never catch us, chuck. we're too smart."

if you haven't seen shutter island yet, you need to. i loved that movie. the plot pulls you in deeper and deeper, and keeps twisting, and your mind never stops thinking. not even once. and the actors! they were fantastic! i expected much less from leonardo dicaprio, but he was especially great. i guess they weren't kidding when they said that martin scorsese kicks ass. i want to write all about the movie...but i'd hate to ruin it for anyone. i don't even know who reads my blog on a regular basis...but if you do, and if you've seen this movie, let's talk about it.







oh, and watch out for that lighthouse.

i didn't mean to hurt your feelings. sometimes, when i write, i don't think. and sometimes, when i am not thinking, i write some stuff that i don't entirely mean. they're just words. a long time ago, i said that my weapon of choice was words. not pistols or swords or lethal injections...just words. because words can save someone, just as a gun, when used properly, can save. and words can also kill. words can injure someone. and well, i never meant to cut you open with my words. and i wish that there was some word i could say to bandage that wound i made...but the only word i can come up with is "sorry". and "sorry" doesn't always heal the wound, does it? but i guess that "sorry" will have to do for now. don't worry about those words that didn't matter. i know that it's probably hard not to worry, but don't. those words came out of a bad situation...not many people understand how hard it was for me to stand next to scott's hospital bed, with him unable to move or speak, with the knowledge that he was going to die the very next day & that was the last time i'll ever see him. he wasn't my dad. and he never took your place -- no one can. but i did love him. and that was the hardest thing i've ever had to go through. and i still cry about it sometimes, and when i write about it - well, it's hard to explain. what i'm getting at here is that i love you very much, i never meant to hurt your feelings, and we'll work everything out. i am sorry.

[?]

i'm going to ride my bike down to washington park. and then, i'm going to ride my bike back home along the beach. hopefully by the end of it all, my thighs will be a little bit sore, and maybe a little bit more in shape. and maybe, this bike ride might clear my head a little. maybe. hopefully. because i've been so stressed out lately. i need to take a vacation! but i'm broke and shit, so instead i will just take a bike ride and hope for the best.


things need to turn around soon. i need more money in the bank, more food in my fridge, and most importantly : more smiles than tears. i said that life is difficult. my mom replied, "life's not difficult. the people in it are." true fucking story, mom. i wish that so many people in my life weren't difficult though....that'd be magical.

[[insert one really heavy sigh here]]


....to my bike!

and on a different note,

FUCK.

for michael

you saved me. you saved me when life was growing too heavy on my small shoulders. you saved me from myself too, in a way. you are my life jacket. when my ships are sinking, i run to you and you hold me. you keep my head above the crashing waves and you keep me warm in your tight embrace. even when my ships aren't sinking and i just think that they are, you're still there and the waves never touch me then. you're better than a life jacket. i think you're my rescue boat. i love you deeply, you know. it's almost unexplainable, in a way, but i'll try to explain it anyways. when i see you, i smile. when you hold me, i feel like i'm at home. when you hold my hand, warm and tight, i feel safe. whenever i fall asleep without you next to me, i feel uneasy. and then, as soon as you slide under the covers and put your arms around me, i fall into a deep, easy sleep. and i'm genuinely happy. i love your smell. i remember when we were in high school and i used to borrow your sweatshirts so i could cuddle with them at night time as i fell asleep. you're different from everyone else in the world - you don't care about what people think about you. you live! you actually live! so many people take life for granted, but you...you never do. i admire you. we've been through so much together...times when we couldn't stop laughing and times when we couldn't control our tears. you know me better than anyone else. i want everything with you. i want everything for you. you're amazing and you don't even realize it. you're going to go so far in life, i just know it. and i am forever yours.

all my love,
your girl.

but it also rises

the other day i went for a run on the beach. alameda beach is a little bit gross and i'm slightly afraid to dip my toes in the water there because it seems so polluted. it's sad. as i was running, i was looking at the sand in front of me, filled with tiny broken shells and seaweed and hamburger wrappers and french fry boxes. i was thinking about how beautiful alameda beach would be without all that trash. we should probably do something about that.

anyway. i was running. it was difficult to run! my feet kept sinking deep into the sand and i had to work ten times harder to cross the same distance i'd cross on flat land. i got to the curve in the beach and decided that'd be a good place to stop running. then i finally looked up from the sand for a minute and i saw the sky. it was glorious. the sun was just about to set and the sky was turning shades of pink and orange. the tide was low and the birds were waddling around in the muddy water. hardly anyone was on the beach because...well, who goes to the beach in february? and for a moment, it was just me and the setting sun. the setting sun representing all that i have loved and lost. all that i've been forced to let go of. all the dark times. it made me realize that yes,the sun does set. but it also rises. and i just stood there on the beach with my arms stretched out wide, feeling the last rays of the sun touch my skin before it disappeared behind the hills. i walked back to the other side of the beach with my toes splashing in the water, feeling perfectly content. then i went home to eat dinner with michael, the other sunshine in my life.

loose pages.

we are nothing but loose pages.
chaotic, crumpled, scattered, alone.
when a gust of wind blows, we fly with it.
we spin in the air wildly, flying from place to place.
we have no choice in where we land,
we just land.
and we sit there, shivering silently, until...
another gust of wind comes, and then we fly once more.

all we want is a paperclip.
some sort of an anchor.
togetherness.
a plan.

though we love the cool breeze,
we also love shelter.
and some balance would be nice too.

wet parades.

she says, "i have something wonderful to tell you!"

he says, "that's fantastic, and i don't want to rain on your parade, but..."

"but what?", she says.

"but...i break promises all the time, and this time is no different. you're on your own, kid. the world is big and the world is tough - and i, i am the opposite. i am weak and i am small. i am not an apple in anyone's eye. i am bitter and angry. and you, you're all alone now too...you just have to figure it out as you go..one day you'll thank me," he says.

[silence]

and then she says, "but i am not alone, and i never will be. one day i will thank you, you say? the sun will never rise on that day, so don't wait around for it. i'll give you an ultimatum : either support me and my decisions in life or get the fuck out of my life. you decide."

two years.

i can't believe that it's been two years since then. i wish you could see how far i've come -- you'd be really proud, i think. i graduated high school last year, i moved into my own apartment and i'm in college. i have a job at city hall now and i think you'd be really happy about that too. today was catherine's wedding and it was really hard at some points. it made me think about when the time comes for me to get married...i always wanted you to walk me down the aisle. and it makes me angry and sad that you can't. i think i'll have my brothers do it....but i have a lot of time to think about that, since i am in no rush.

i still miss you. i'm pretty sure that will never change.

"you are not alone" by michael jackson came on today & it made me cry.



"Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold"

...


"But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone"

i'm not alone. i know that. i will never be alone. i still talk to you in my head sometimes and you can call me crazy but i think that you hear me. i hope you do.

"i can hear the bells!"

catherine is getting married this saturday. my best friend is getting married in three days - how strange is that? it seems like only yesterday we were cuddling up next to each other one of our tiny twin-sized beds, listening to the backstreet boys and giggling. cooking more top ramen and macaroni & cheese than anyone could possibly eat. watching scary movies late at night and then being so scared that we had to go get every bible and rosary in the house and put them in catherine's room so that we could actually fall asleep. camping out in our backyards. our trip to nevada, when we saw the exorcism of emily rose & had to stay alone in a house with a seemingly demonic cat. watching titanic and rumpelstiltskin over and over and OVER again, until we had the scripts memorized. hula-hooping in the driveway. girl scouts. our tradition. it really only seems like yesterday.

but time does not wait for anyone. the clock ticks, and sometimes it leaves you behind.then all of a sudden, reality slaps you in the face and the rush of blood to your cheek also brings the rush of...adulthood? i suppose. because we are no longer children. we have bills to pay, jobs to keep, and people we cannot bear to disappoint. we have many expectations and not too many "get out of jail free cards" or "do-overs". forgiveness doesn't come as easy as it used to. i guess that's okay though...it's expected (there go those expectations again!).

i'm excited for the wedding though - i think it'll be fun. i have to make a toast and i'm pretty nervous about that. i always get nervous about little stuff. because really, this toast doesn't need to be perfect. it just needs to get the message across that catherine is my best friend, i am happy for her and i wish her and eddie the best....and everything else is just a side-note.


i really need to write more. writing doesn't come as easily now as it used to. it seems forced and it doesn't flow. practice, practice, practice.

"we're just a million little gods causing rainstorms,

turning every good thing to rust."

sometimes it takes a tragedy to make one realize how fortunate they are. a tragedy such as the earthquake that wreaked havoc in haiti. it is difficult to look at the photographs and videos of what haiti has become...

but we must look.


we must see the other side of the coin. we must open our eyes to the world and see what is really happening! people are dead. more people are dying. children have lost parents and are now alone in the world. people are starving. many people don't have houses or beds to rest in. haiti is not in good shape right now.

and here i sit on my laptop, in a warm house, wearing clean clothes, my stomach full and my body rested. what makes me so lucky? chance, i suppose. i could have been born to a family in haiti, and i could have been in haiti when that earthquake struck. and i could have been dead. but i got lucky, i guess. it is too easy to forget how fortunate we really are. people get so upset over little things without realizing how much worse off they could be.

happy camper!

so, it seems like i write a lot of pessimistic stuff in this blog. if someone who didn't know me decided to read my blogs, they'd think i was some sort of a suicide-case or something. ha. that's not the case...at all. :] i am one happy camper...camping in the fucking woods of life. hahahaha. i have my warm sleeping bag, my fire-pit (& an ax for chopping wood for the fire), and a big comfortable tent. of course, sometimes it rains and everything gets all cold and soggy...and sometimes it gets so cloudy that i can't see the painting of stars above my head, and that makes me sad. but in the back of my mind, behind my weeping eyes, i know that i'll see the millions of twinkling stars again, if i give it another night or two. but the nights never get too dark, regardless. and usually, the morning comes quickly and i roll out of my sleeping bag, unzip my tent and let the fresh, cold air sting my warm skin. and i'm awake. and i live. and i'm happy. as happy as a camper could be.










i just tend to write during the long, starless nights.

when it is not your place to speak, how do you go about speaking? must you hold your tongue? and for how long? how do you discover what you really want in life? and how do you prevent the urge to just sit there and cry and wish that the most perfect person in the world for you will burst through your door and wipe away your tears?

and for how long must we live in fairy tales?

when will reality be enough?

and when will i be able to consider myself grown? do i even want to consider myself grown? ...i guess that's the question i should be asking first.

self-discovery is difficult.
i'm so unsure of so many things.
and i want to shout it out to the world...but at the same time, i don't want to say a word to anyone.

[insert heavy sigh here]

i am happy. i promise. i just want more. i want more out of life. i want more out of everything.


no more blogs today...this is getting ridiculous.

and sometimes i feel like crying,

because what might have been will never be.














it will always be a mystery.

i want to know it all!

tell me everything you thought you never could.
i want to know it all.
good and bad.
happy and sad.
things that will break my heart to bits,
and things that will spread my lips into the biggest smile you've ever seen.


i want to know it all.
and i want to tell you everything.
i don't want any hidden feelings or memories or thoughts or wishes.
i don't care who you are. i don't care if we barely talk, or if we talk every day.

i want to know it all.

please tell me.

& the clock keeps on tickin'

"yes, i understand that every life must end..."

but i don't understand why some lives have to end on such an awful note. and i guess i don't understand why half of the stuff i've written in the last 2 years has been about scott. is this my way of coping? or am i stuck in a moment, two years ago, standing next to his hospital bed. "stuck in a moment that you can't get out of.." because i know that it still haunts me. in a few weeks, it will have been exactly two years since that day. february 13. the day before valentine's day. how horrible is that? my poor mom...it's like, "oh hey, happy valentine's day...sorry about your husbands' death."

and that's not even that bad, compared to what scott had to go through. how many times have i written about this? how many more times will i write about it in the future? and when will i be able to think about it without my whole mood completely changing? time heals all wounds? i'm really not so sure about that.

chopped liver?

i guess that'd be me.

i feel so left out. of everything. and you seem angry at me, and i don't understand why. i'm doing everything i can to help you. i've prepared games for your party. i spent my own money (which i don't have much of) on dumb clothes pins for a game that no one cares about...and then i spent my afternoon painting them pink for you.

i wasn't even invited to half the stuff the other bridesmaids went to...because i live two hours away, i guess? i don't know. but it really hurts my feelings. i'm your best friend...but you're not treating me like it. but here i am, bending over backwards to make you smile..because it's your time to shine, and i want that day, and every day leading up to it, to be special. i care about you. i just wish that i could be included a little bit more. i don't understand.

i miss you!

"The singer finished singing and she's walking out
The singer sheds a tear, fear of falling out
And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by, and I cried

It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone it's not the same

My worries weighed the world how I used to be
And everything (I'm cold) seems a plague in me
And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by, and I cried

It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone it's not the same

It's hard to say I held my tongue
It's hard to say if only
Since you've been gone it's not the same

Worse than the fear it's the lie you told a thousand times before
Worse than the fear it's the knife
And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by, and I cried

It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone it's not the same

It's hard to say I held my tongue
It's hard to say if only
Since you've been gone I'm not the same

It's hard to say that I was wrong
(God, it's hard to say)
It's hard to say that I miss you
(God, it's hard to say)
Since you've been gone
I'm not the same..."

-the used, "hard to say".

"maybe there's a god above."

but maybe there's not.
maybe we're on this planet, in this universe, alone.
and when we die, there is nothingness.


it sounds a little off. but nothingness after death could actually be nice. you just die and then you rest. finally, you have no worries or sadness or pain. you don't have to miss anyone, and you don't have to watch your family live on after you're gone. you don't have to wait around until all your friends die and join you up in heaven, or hell, or wherever the fuck you are. you just go. plain and simple. maybe.

it would be nice to have a god too. it's always nice to have someone looking out for you. unless god is really the dick that he's made out to be. because if god says that all homosexuals and bastard children automatically go to hell, i'd rather have god not exist....just because that'd be so cruel.

i rant. i ramble. i have a point, but at the same time.. i don't have a point.

[[insert heavy sigh here]]

a letter to a neighbor.

hey there,

you deserve better than this. you need better than this. i've seen your bruises. i've heard your sobs. i've seen the tears stream down your cheeks and drip off your chin onto your helpless, tired hands. but your hands...they aren't helpless,really. you just think that they are. my english teacher told me once, "you have steel in your bones. you might not feel it, but it's there. trust it." and just as i have steel in my bones, you have steel in yours. you are so much stronger than you make yourself out to be. you are stronger than he is. maybe not physically, but stronger still. he wanders around in his drunken stupor all day long, yelling, fighting, slamming things around, hiding from the rest of the world. and i see you often, sitting on the steps, petting your cats, reading a book..facing the world with a smile, even though you have so many reasons to just sit there and cry.
and though you have all those reasons to cry, you still have a choice. you don't have to be here. you don't have to be hit one more time. you don't have to give him another chance. you don't have to see the police show up on your doorstep again. you don't have to look in the mirror and see angry black bruises staring back at you. you don't have to. you shouldn't. i know that you can do better than this. you have one chance at life. don't ruin it for yourself, please. get another job and move out. find a cheap place to live and figure some stuff out.

what you have with him is not love. it is anger. it is hatred. it is false affection, followed by terrible, very real abuse. no one deserves that. not you, and not any other woman, man or child. get out now. please. i will do everything in my power to help you, really. but you must take the first step for yourself.

love yourself, even if he doesn't.

always,
your upstairs neighbor.

top of the morning to ye.

mornings like this are pretty. waking up slowly to a clean room filled with light blue morning sunshine. staying in bed for a little while...sleeping with your boyfriend and cat...and electric blanket! so warm and cozy! then getting up, taking a shower, making a warm cup of tea...aahhhh..

then, it's time to go get a bagel & go to work.

good morning, earth. it's nice to see you again. it's nice to wake up.



we shouldn't take these things for granted.

today, kurby said that my middle name is "awkward"

& kurby is right.
why do awkward situations follow me? hahaha i am an awkward-magnet...but i guess i'm cool with that. maybe all these "awkward" situations are really normal, and i just overreact and make them awkward for myself. maybe. my friends understand me though. and they understand my awkward situations. and with my friends, i can easily laugh at all those awkward situations i experience. and they make good stories, anyways.

so maybe it's some sort of blessing in disguise. what an odd blessing though.


i am misunderstood by most. but most people don't matter to me. i am understood by my friends, and i understand them. and we can be misunderstood together. that's how we roll. that's how we've always rolled. and if you don't like us, or if you think that we're weird, then don't listen to us. don't look at us. pretend we don't exist because it won't bother us one bit.

"when have you ever conformed to what other people in your age group were doing?" -kurby (about troubles i was having with a "friend")

well, kurby, i can't recall too many times. and that's alright with me. i might be different, and i might be a fuck up, but i am loved.



and life is okay (even though it's awkward sometimes) :]

FUCK OFF, BARBIE.

i don't like fake people. fuck them. "oh hi, i am JUST like everyone else. yeah, i get shitfaced even though i don't particularly enjoy it...but everyone else does it, so it's obviously the thing to do, so of course i do it! hellooo? i spend a minimum of one hour in front of the mirror getting ready every morning so that my curls are just right & my eyes POP in just the right way. **giggle, giggle** i speak in lots of abbreviations and the clothes in my closet look just like all my friends' clothes. who cares about people who are different, anyways? they're soooo weird, omg."

GET THE FUCK OUT.
i'm done with clones. i'm done with people who make plans with you & ALWAYS cancel them at the last minute. if you don't want to hang out with me, don't make a plan with me in the first place. my feelings won't be hurt, i promise. it's just annoying to always get cancelled on.






I AM NOT PART OF YOUR CLICK. I AM OKAY WITH THAT. STOP TALKING TO ME. BECAUSE I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE. WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. HOLY SHIT. GOOD LUCK IN LIFE.

happy new year!

i guess this is where i make a resolution that i may or may not keep. i'll do my best to keep my resolution past next week, because usually i forget about it in no time. but first, i have to think of one. i have a lot i can improve on, of course..but i need to take some baby steps to get the ball rolling.

i need to learn how to let go. let go of the past. let go of unnecessary stress. let go of worries for the future and just let it happen. just let go...because once i let go of any toxic shit in my life, a big burden will be lifted off of my shoulders. why should you walk around your entire life carrying extra baggage and having bad feelings weigh you down. how will you learn to run in life if all those heavy emotions are pushing down on you, making you move at a slow crawl? so,that's definitely one. i need to mend (or maybe even end) some friendships this year.

i need to do what i want to do! NOT what everyone else wants me to do. i shouldn't give a shit about what certain family members or friends think about me. because this is my life to live, not theres. they can judge their own lifes and leave me to judge mine. because if i'm not harming myself or someone else, it's okay. i make mistakes..but that's how you learn. and i need to do what i want to do and be true to myself so that i will never regret wasting my youth.it's a preventative measure, you see. when you're young, you're supposed to fuck up a little bit...and sometimes,you have to fuck up big time. and that's how you learn and grow. and then you can be an adult, and you can be wise. wise from experience, not just from word of mouth. this year, i'm gonna do me 100%. the people who really love and appreciate me will continue to do so, and they will be happy for me. this year, i will weed out untrue friends.

and on a less heavy note, i'd like to learn how to sing a little better. just because! :]

LET'S GO, 2010. i am ready for some change.